Prelude to Day #1
Yea-I've got classical music on my mind.One of the best parts of my childhood so far. So what is it a prelude for? Well-Rehab. You might be confused as the first thought that probably comes to mind are alcohol and drugs. Well for me food is a twisted drug, which morphs into different problems at different points of time. In short, I have an eating disorder. I know I'm obese and that's partly because I love food and flavors, but I have serious compulsions regarding eating; where, when, and how many voices do I have to fend off saying not to eat.
The problem is the voices that fight, oscillate between not letting me even drink water and triggering a blackout binge. The blackout binge is pretty much cookie monster running on a treadmill of flavors from salty, sweet, crunchy, sour; without much thought being allowed to stop the run. It's a weird type of mindless-mostly like my mind closes the curtains on my conscious stage and lets the cast of demons and angels play.
I realized a few months ago that I could no longer keep letting the voices run around unattended and needed to find better tools in which to train myself. I started the process by finding the main doctor for ED and met with him privately.Then under his guidance and discussions, we decided the best course of treatment was to start with some inpatient time. Now mind you I'm in the ward as I type this so the prelude is a little bit late but it took me a minute to be able to share.
I haven't told my parents in part as I feel responsible for helping keep the family equilibrium, and in some sense to hurt them for being part of the problem.I know no one can fix me that's on me but maybe by sharing with others they can get help and I can grow as well. So this is my letter to the world and my parents. Dreaming larger in smaller doses will hopefully get me far.
Dreamer-from the ED ward at Tel Hashomer
Menuha:
ReplyDeleteI'm incredibly PROUD of you!
It takes awesome courage to face the truth and act on it like you did.
And you did it 10 years younger than me (when I faced my anger addiction...)
KOL HA KAVOD to you, and may Hashem help you every day in that battle!
Love,
Tatti
We have all our own battles but Menuha you have the courage to speak up. Kol Hakavod and thanks for inspiring us.
ReplyDeleteMenucha, you are the bringer of comfort, like your name. You are a very brave soul, because the hardest thing to face is ourselves. To change, when we just think we figured it out is such a big challenge. Challenges make us grow, and help us be the best people we can be. May your journey bring you peace and health and the ability to look in the mirror and smile at the beautiful person you are.
ReplyDelete