Leaving the house was stressful; it didn't help that I could barely fall asleep before my anxiety woke me up again. I ran into my mother as I was leaving the house,I didn't understand all of my own reasons for not being able to tell her at that moment where I was going but, a big one ended up being the need for me to make this choice completely on my own. Even though ED spent the entire night and morning yelling at me that I am fine and don't need rehab. Another weird yet helpful for rehab quirk is that new beginnings and adventures excite me more than they terrify me in the beginning. So jumping out is not when I freak out, rather in freefall halfway down-but more on that another time.
After arriving at the hospital and getting to the entrance to the Eating Disorder ward, that's when the first wave of panic hit, and the overwhelming desire to run washed over me. Deep breathing and staring way to hard at the non-descript hospital art helped me put on my "everything's fine" mask.
Panic doesn't set in when you open the door, as the adrenalin wave crashes over you with the new sights and smells. Then the non-stop meetings with every possible doctor, nurse, psychologist, and dietician keeps the wave going till you hit your bed at night.
What did all these people ask?? Well, some profession-specific questions yet mostly it was what happened in your life to make you want to take this step and come here? Now two years ago I would have just blacked out and had nothing to answer but thanks to a special voice on the phone who taught me to tell my story so many times that it no longer hurt to say it. (Shoutout to Dougie) While I couldn't tell everything to everyone I was able to get out most of my history without cracking the fake facade.
New room and roommate weren't the hard part of acclimating, rather meeting all the other wonderful strong people there was a lot. As someone with pretty bad social anxiety, sitting in a large dining room with lots of tables and people eating, and people watching you eat as well; that's what terrified me. Eating with people and people watching you; puts the demons in the spotlight and while they love center stage ,I am not good at being a wallflower.
Till next time Sam
Saturday, April 28, 2018
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Prelude to Day #1
Prelude to Day #1
Yea-I've got classical music on my mind.One of the best parts of my childhood so far. So what is it a prelude for? Well-Rehab. You might be confused as the first thought that probably comes to mind are alcohol and drugs. Well for me food is a twisted drug, which morphs into different problems at different points of time. In short, I have an eating disorder. I know I'm obese and that's partly because I love food and flavors, but I have serious compulsions regarding eating; where, when, and how many voices do I have to fend off saying not to eat.
The problem is the voices that fight, oscillate between not letting me even drink water and triggering a blackout binge. The blackout binge is pretty much cookie monster running on a treadmill of flavors from salty, sweet, crunchy, sour; without much thought being allowed to stop the run. It's a weird type of mindless-mostly like my mind closes the curtains on my conscious stage and lets the cast of demons and angels play.
I realized a few months ago that I could no longer keep letting the voices run around unattended and needed to find better tools in which to train myself. I started the process by finding the main doctor for ED and met with him privately.Then under his guidance and discussions, we decided the best course of treatment was to start with some inpatient time. Now mind you I'm in the ward as I type this so the prelude is a little bit late but it took me a minute to be able to share.
I haven't told my parents in part as I feel responsible for helping keep the family equilibrium, and in some sense to hurt them for being part of the problem.I know no one can fix me that's on me but maybe by sharing with others they can get help and I can grow as well. So this is my letter to the world and my parents. Dreaming larger in smaller doses will hopefully get me far.
Dreamer-from the ED ward at Tel Hashomer
Yea-I've got classical music on my mind.One of the best parts of my childhood so far. So what is it a prelude for? Well-Rehab. You might be confused as the first thought that probably comes to mind are alcohol and drugs. Well for me food is a twisted drug, which morphs into different problems at different points of time. In short, I have an eating disorder. I know I'm obese and that's partly because I love food and flavors, but I have serious compulsions regarding eating; where, when, and how many voices do I have to fend off saying not to eat.
The problem is the voices that fight, oscillate between not letting me even drink water and triggering a blackout binge. The blackout binge is pretty much cookie monster running on a treadmill of flavors from salty, sweet, crunchy, sour; without much thought being allowed to stop the run. It's a weird type of mindless-mostly like my mind closes the curtains on my conscious stage and lets the cast of demons and angels play.
I realized a few months ago that I could no longer keep letting the voices run around unattended and needed to find better tools in which to train myself. I started the process by finding the main doctor for ED and met with him privately.Then under his guidance and discussions, we decided the best course of treatment was to start with some inpatient time. Now mind you I'm in the ward as I type this so the prelude is a little bit late but it took me a minute to be able to share.
I haven't told my parents in part as I feel responsible for helping keep the family equilibrium, and in some sense to hurt them for being part of the problem.I know no one can fix me that's on me but maybe by sharing with others they can get help and I can grow as well. So this is my letter to the world and my parents. Dreaming larger in smaller doses will hopefully get me far.
Dreamer-from the ED ward at Tel Hashomer
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