Self Made Thought Blocks

My mind creates its own thought blocks. It puts up blocks against passions, dreams, an ability to feel and process what is going on. I only realized this when I was on three hours of sleep and was able to just speak my mind to my psychologist and dietician without my anxious mind stopping me from saying what I actually felt and thought. This feeling scared me as I realized how much my mind is able to hide from me during my day to day when I am trying to function on more than three hours of sleep. I'm glad I figured out that I am hiding from myself, although it sucks to know I can do that to myself, hiding dreams, issues, and thoughts. Writing this I feel crazy saying that I don't know all the thoughts running through my head, but knowing how messy and confusing my mind is, makes it a bit less upsetting. Understanding my creation of blocks can give me the opportunity to try to figure out what the blocks are being put up in front of, and how to start moving them individually. Just thinking about it as I am writing now in the middle of the night, one of the main blocks that has been coming up for me lately is blocking any idea of dreaming about I want to do in my life, instead of dreaming big which I used to do. I have somehow blocked my dreams and ability to think about new ones. Part of that is my large fear of failure, leading from an unhealthy obsession with perfection (that I'll leave for another blog post). Thought blocks come partially from my anxiety, that isn't a good reason to leave them be. Time to sit inside my mind and make some order.

Falling feelings like a Failing

I hate falling. Not mentally falling, but physically crashing to the ground. I hate when my legs collapse without letting my brain know beforehand so I can prepare and not try to stand up and walk at that exact moment. Yes, I have the privilege of being able to stand up and walk short distances and I know that it is a privilege that not everyone has. That being said my disability and functional sometimes legs don't usually give me a warning when they like to take a break while on duty. The issue becomes that my first thought and feeling when I fall is a failure which leads to an extreme feeling of anger at myself. The anger is automatic, I feel it before I allow myself to feel the physical pain of hurting myself during the fall. I hate the feeling that is underlying the anger, the lack of control that rears its ugly head every time my body does something without me telling it to, or giving me a signal before. It is one of my biggest struggles with my disability, the lack of stability in my body,but more importantly the lack of me having any preemptive knowledge of how my body is going to react to trying to get out of chair, standing up or bending down to pick things up, or grasping a glass to drink,amongst many of the daily tasks. The lack of control in the specific moment of the fall is large but it isn't necessarily the worst thing to happen.  The problem is the shame and anger combine into an almost lethal amount of self-hate, and the desire to be in control of the pain dished out to my body. This usually leads to a confrontation between me and the person asking if I need help,as I am not angry at them,rather my body,but in that moment I do not have the emotional capacity to explain that to the person trying to help me. Figuring this out is helpful for me but I have yet to be able to take this understanding and turn it into practice when I fall.