Makeup, An Inner Power Behind the Brush

Self-care and self-love sometimes intertwine, they create this addicting high when you look into the mirror and like the reflection looking back at you. The shattering of that mirror leaves you bleeding dry of self.
I used to think that putting on makeup was people telling something to the world. Only recently did I realize, while sitting in front of a mirror, for a makeup lesson, that the makeup that I thought was a mask hiding the person from the world, was a shield preparing us for battle with ourselves and the world.
It wasn't about hiding the imperfections (although it was nice to make it look like I had slept in the past two weeks), rather it was exploring enhancing another aspect of my body. Somehow, while I was figuring out how to put makeup on my eyes without being able to keep one eye open and one eye closed. I learned to laugh at my ambidextrous hands and the ability to put makeup on both eyes with both hands. I learned to trust my hands and sense of touch to create follow the map I've created in my mind.
The more I learned, the more I felt a sense of belonging emerge. Both in the adult woman's world and in myself. Some may claim that I don't need makeup, that my face is pretty without it, thanks I'm not putting on makeup because I think I'm ugly. I'm choosing to put makeup on as it makes me smile at myself in the mirror even when my body is in agonizing pain. The more I learned the more I felt I could counter Eddy's constant harmful remarks. I don't know how helpful makeup will be every time Eddy comments on trying to get me to stop eating or binge, but I do know that I have gained another tool in my toolbox.

The Pressure of Imagined Perfection

I started a new job. That's a story in itself, but for another time. This is a great job, as while its up my ally it's also super challenging in a great way using mostly unused skills I have.  While teaching me many more skills in different areas of my life. I also have just amazing bosses and love the staff I work with. But I've noticed as well as my bosses that sometimes when I get flustered during a certain part of the job, I can sometimes spiral way further than the small issue that actually went wrong, the innate pressure for perfection. The pressure that leads me to blank out from the pressure that the next words I say must be the perfect ones. Once I realized the pressure that leads to blank minds, I was able to say to myself, before I started the next conversation to relax and leave it as a conversation.
    My sick voice seems to love perfection more than anything, even me. My sick voice paints a picture of perfection, trying to convince me its not a mirage. The pressure levels up with each action I feel I am not doing right, whether that's eating breakfast before 9 or working with no questions. This pressure of perfection is paralyzing,I haven't figured out how to not freeze all the time,but the first step I've found is saying and labeling another aspect of my sick voice. The more you label and remove from the shadows removes the sick voice from having this fog over your entire life,so I'm going to keep clearing up more fog and labeling,till next time.