30 things I learned in my first 30 days in rehab

1. The walls that surround your castle of a soul; fall down fast, but even faster with the right psychologist.
2. Naming voices in your head is healthy, and while it strengthens them momentarily it gives you the start of tearing them down.
3. Being around lots of people doesn't invalidate your feelings of being alone, and sometimes even helps rid the feeling.
4. Relationships with food, yourself, and others get more complicated before it gets easier.
5. The fear of bordream really comes from the fear of being alone with yourself and your boxes in the attic of your mind.
6. Group therapy isn't as scary as it seems and while judging is normal;you can also feel validated and less alone.
7. Mandated eating with people is terrifiying;but everyone has personal issues and sitting around the same table makes it easier rather than harder.
8. The wall of "not caring&feeling" leads to so much more pain;just feel in each moment.
9. Just because you thought you got over hating yourself and disability doesn't invalidate the feelings from returning.
10. Slowing down and actually chewing food;to alieviate feelings of hunger is incredibly hard for me.
11. I have more OCD tendincies then I'd like to admit;and Ed enhances them with my eating habits.
12. I feel worse around fat people as I feel like I fit in,which then leads me to remove myself from interactions with them.
13. Ed controls a lot of my all or nothing personality part of me. 
14. I use sleep as an escape tool rather then sitting and proccessing my feelings.
15. Sport is a double edged sword for me and I have not yet learned to enjoy the training without feeling like I have to restrict to look better and be stronger.
16. The more you open up and process;leaves you with more space to do other things.
17. Reading is hard when it can't quiet your mind.
18. Music is salve for my soul; and when I forget that, I pay.
19. You are allowed to love and feel the loss from things that you used to have.
20. The waves of feelings come and go;embrace the highs and lows,but don't try to ride the dead wave.
21. Normal and crazy are defined by you,when you define yourself as crazy it enhances the panic.
22. The clearer your sense of self the less you need to be alone to feel like yourself.
23. Not everyones journey intersects and it doesn't invalidate any of the journeys.
24. Just because a tool has worked in the past does not mean it has to work now.
25. Feel phsyical pain;even if you can't understand why and how to fix it;its less angering.
26. You are enough every single minute of every single day.
27. Mess ups are part of the process;embrace them and learn,and grow from them.
28. Regulation takes a while for your body;numbers are not everything.
29. There are more fears in your mind then at the meeting.
30. On your own time;change will come don't rush it,but don't be afraid to try.

Chew,Chew Swallow

Who knew that chew chew swallow would be so complicated?? Who know that Eddy controlled that as well. The never ending vacum that Eddy created skips over the chewing proccess.Leaves you feeling like you havent eaten anything convincing your mind and body that you need more food. I didn't know how hard it was to slow down until I tried; and realized it was Eddy not wanting me to sit and chew. He just wants me to inhale;to constantly feel empty so he can keep running the show his way. I haven't figured out what show Eddy is trying to run, I mean I know its the classic binge,don't eat,shame,repeat cycle; but where does Eddy start and finish his work? And how many minions does he have working for him? Eddy has many shapes and colors;most of which I havent figured out yet. Well for now I guess I'll just keep trying to practice chewing and slowing down while I do so.

Socks,Shoes & Me

Shoes, I didn't understand how complicated of a relationship I had with them, and how much they mean to me. Acknowledging feelings is a process I have been working on with my psychologist in rehab, and one of the first "stones" in front of the path to my palace of a brain is shoes and what they mean to me. Shoes were something that from a very young age I was never able to wear the same style as my peers. I always have worn braces on my feet which led me to wear clunky shoes that never felt feminine or actually looked good. I always felt that my legs were just robotic additions and weren't part of me; rather they made me feel less like a person and a specifically a woman. My feet also sometimes are super uncomfortable in shoes when I have muscle spasms and swelling, so the relationship is complex. I do enjoy sneakers but when it comes from choice rather than necessity. I would love the option to wear strappy heels, sandals, and boots.
Socks,socks are my jam. I love ankle socks and I love wearing mismatched socks. It was one of the first steps I felt I took towards independence and showing my true colors back in the 7th grade. I love the randomness and the fun of choosing different socks every morning (not to mention the lack of having to pair socks which is something out of nightmares :) Socks also stick around without being too tight and let my feet have their weird twitches, without bothering me too much. I also love feeling the warmth of the ground specifically wooden planks. Its like hearing the world with my feet. Socks give me the chance to forget most of the things that make me hate my feet, for that I'm thankful. Well that's the weird relationship I have with shoes

Emotions in Rehab

Emotions are like the weather; and nature. They change at the brush of pain, the rise of a wave of depression. Plenty a time they combine into a tornado of confusion resulting in a choking reaction that you can't shake. Boxes are dug out of bunkers covered in poisonous snakes and scorpions. Shadows of demons that cant be shook whisper to each other, creating hollow shrieks of horror. Some boxes are worn through their contents showing through, others untouched a still perfection of dread frozen in time. Indents in the dusty floor show the history of martyrs trying to clean up what they believed could have been disinfected from the horrors of life. The problem with trying to clean up the attic is that you get stuck and get suffocated from the new boxes that constantly arrive without end, never mind the emotional weather sun, rain, or storm. Muffled sounds can be heard creating a symphony of history to bury any ideas of a future without them.