The Uncontrollable Shakes

The shakes, some people might associate them with drug withdrawal, for me its a side effect of my disability. The side might be a good term for it although it alternates, the shakes are very indecisive. They come and go as they please; they mostly just alternate jumping from leg to the other leg. They have convinced my sick voice that it's healthy, and a good way to get through eating regular meals. I have come to love and loathe the shakes, they have gotten me out of really boring college classes, but have also made me leave training early; making me feel like I failed or rather my body failed me.
Now some might think that uncontrollable shakes leading to body failure is extreme, I mean my heart and lungs work perfectly fine. What people seem to forget is that brains are a major organ, and yes I'm not having seizures or in a coma, there is a rather large and life bothering issue.
One of the biggest issue with the shakes is that they are mostly invisible in the beginning, so when I wake up and put my feet on the ground,y'know whatcha do in the morning, my breath catches as my feet hit the ground and I start to try and stand up, the uncertainty, or if my body will stay upright or, if I'm just going to collapse on the floor. Yes, I'm sure I'm far from the only person who deals with uncertainty, but how much does the average person deal with before they have brushed their teeth?? It is a huge part of the hardship of accepting your own body when you're not sure when you can trust it. It's not as if I wake up to memos from my body letting me know which parts are going to work when. (By the way, if there are any scientists coming up with something like this, I volunteer as tribute.) Till then I'll just have to shake with the shakes and ride the earthquakes of my body.

Oceans of Routine

Routine, the monotony of it. The repetitiveness of the oar dipping in the water. The bounce of the ball, the screech of rubber tires. The shake of my legs, some people think its annoying, I used to as well; now its what calms me down in most situations. Routine outside helps keep me afloat in the whirlpool that is my mind. Routine is my anchor in chaos.
When the waters agitate and the chains get ripped from the core, leaving me floating and thrashing towards the surface of the unknown; I don't know how to reroute and follow my dreams to another path. My dreams lose hold of their core, leading to distorted visions of the future. It is not always a huge internal storm that knots the chains in unbreakable bonds of confusion it can be one small thought that wiggles through the boards of certainty stirring up sleeping monsters.
The question is if you can find new chains to bond with the old and find a new galaxy to dream your way through the ocean of uncertainty.

Giving up on Yourself

It's an interesting idea; giving up on yourself. Everyone usually assumes that means you want to kill yourself, to me it can mean that but for me, it is more so punishing my entire body for actions of parts of my body. When I refuse to eat or binge from physical pain, I'm not removing the physical pain just making my mind travel, to where it's out of control in a place I feel more comfortable with. Most of the time the constant physical pain leads to the simple yet harmful place of giving up on moving my body. The dream of wanting to compete and push myself and my body to the absolute limit; dismantles itself daily the more times I wake up in constant pain that no one and no tests can explain why.
It's hard to dream when slowly every single rope connected to an anchor of my dreams that keep me flying in the right direction gets sautered; leaving nothing but shreds in its wake. The ocean stirs into whirlpools, sending any ideas spraying in the wind leaving you drowning in the eye of silence.

The Cycle of Acceptance

 While feelings come and go, I thought that once I had "accepted" myself, my disability (the only things I thought I had left to accept) I would be done needing to accept things in life and I could go on conquering the world. Turns out life does NOT work that way. Acceptance and change are like magnets that have the same charge, the closer you try to push them together the farther apart they reach. This phenomenon leads to feeling like you never move on in life as you hit upon the same issues. 

You have hit the same feelings in a different setting, like hitting the same point on a spiral just one level up, with new tools and self-understanding can lead you to create a new level of acceptance. That's not a simple action to take, and it will feel like you are getting nowhere, but you have to be willing to be in that uncomfortable state of taking the ground out from underneath yourself in order to dig deeper and build new or better foundations on which to continue your life. Digging up old skeletons on unbalanced feet is never easy but, with the new tools you have acquired in between the previous dealing with the issues gives you a better chance at creating longer lasting foundations this time around.