Finishing A Safe Space

Rehab, when you start, doesn't feel like a safe place. The hospital feels foreign and the schedule forced. Lots of faces, names, and rules. I felt bad feeling out of place, and for having a hard time as I voluntarily put myself there. I'm also just notoriously bad at first impressions and connecting with people. The first night didn't really bother me, but while I felt comfortable in my room on my own, sitting in the shared spaces with lots of other adults freaked me out. The dining room was the worst, it was absolutely the antithesis of a safe space. We sat around different groups of tables, eating mostly similar food for 40 minutes at every meal.  One of the biggest issues of an eating disorder is eating with others, as its usually you don't eat alone or you eat way too much. The tension in the dining room is constant, each person has their own demons they're fighting, depending on peoples personalities and where they are on their journey they try to help others. Over two months, the dining room didn't become my favorite spot, and not a constant safe space, but more times than not, most of the time I spent in the dining room, I felt I was in a safe space. An internal safe space doesn't mean emotions don't exist, it means you recognize the emotions and have enough space to let them be or choose to process them. A safe space doesn't have to be forever, contrary to how we are raised and the thoughts we are led to believe that safety is forever. It takes growing up and living in safe places and moments, to learn from them when they are there but to not freak out when they disappear rather use the energy you gained in the safe space to create and find the next safe space.