Mind Mines

Careful where you step when visiting my mind. There are no signs and when you step on a mine, my mind flies back to a cell block you never knew existed. The cell barely fits your chained heart and brain, let alone space to be. The cell walls are perfect for thoughts to bounce off the walls, and right when you think they have disappeared; they regain their chokehold. The thoughts don't march in looking for a place to be, they buddy up with good memories, ideas, and feelings. After they arrive they band together and kill off their competition. There is no need for them to multiply as bad feelings work better with space, they create a dance. The dance is choreographed by self-hate the unofficial leader of the crew, due to his veteran time spent in my mind. The music buries my cries for help escaping the maze of my mind, yet the thoughts deafen my ears to hear any response. The maze of mind my mind with no entrance or exit to be seen.

Finding a New Fitness Journey

I didn't realize that for a while now I have been shooting myself in the foot with my fitness journey. People ask me what I'm up to sport wise and I have always answered that I'm getting back to it. I realized my mental block was not the fitness aspect rather the fact that I kept telling myself I was going to get back to a previous physical state. My mind and physical reality then made me give up before I even started as I felt getting back to competitive rowing was an impossible dream for a variety of factors.
I need to create a new path with new goals and different aspirations, finding a healthy balance between body image, health, fitness, sport, and all around balance in my life with work and college. Super simple right, I wish. Finding new goals and breaking them down into step by step actions to reach a new healthy place in my body is what I'm starting with first. While this is far from the end and where I want to be physically, working on mentally saying where am I heading on this new fitness journey rather than trying to get back to a vision of grandeur that I remember myself being, walk a new path and create an actual healthy future without it being tied into the Paralympics.
Goals and competitiveness don't have to equal Paralympics there are many opportunities in between that I can find and create. The most important goal I have right now is to get into a healthy state of being both my body and mind and from there I'll see.