Not being ok-- and being Ok with it

I don't have to feel great or even ok all the time. While society and those around me feel the need to always try and fix me when I'm not feeling ok, I've learned to listen to my body rhythms of highs and lows. While learning to surf the highs and just lie down on my board during the lows. It is OK to not feel OK all the time. I used to panic everytime I felt low not knowing exactly what I thought had triggered my low-not understanding that while sometimes a very specific event will trigger a deep low, all waves go up and then crash down, in order for the next wave to rise up. I have learned the panic of the low does nothing to help you paddle through it, just paddle and wait for the next wave to carry you high, and learn to enjoy the lows to get to the highs.

Heart and Mind Connection

When your mind understands the idea of what you should do, but your heart refuses to let the logic penetrate the walls of your personal safe space to force yourself to create change. Sometimes it's the opposite in your heart you know its the right thing to change and move on from yet your mind creates all these logical reasons to why not give up on burnt out matches although they have no life of their own left. It's a constant dilemma from different aspects, that are played out on a daily occurrence. Sometimes it's the feeling of my body that doesn't seem to contact other parts of the body, sometimes my central nervous system goes on strike, it's hard to not hate your body at that time.
There is also the constant back and forth over which connection do you rely on and when. I have found my heart usually has the deep gut feeling that overtakes logic at some points yet they are usually crucial and worth acting on. It doesn't make acting on them easy yet, in the long run, the more I muffle the voices between my heart and my mind the harder it is to make an impact in the world.

Mystery Murderers

They claim to be doctors. They claim to study enough to help you with your aches pains and mysterious problems. That's what doctors go to school for over 8 years. Yet all I've found is as soon as the symptoms don't add up to a simple equation and there are too many variables, then they just check out tell you to come back in 6 months and one test that they don't have to administer will be the key to unlock pandora's box. Belief is what they try to instill in you while telling you the same filler every doctor has told you for the past 9 months. You want to hope before the appointment that the doctor will have some kind of new idea, and give you a reason to believe they have the tools to help you but it's all just a waste of energy as they are as helpful as their predecessors. Doesn't matter the school they went to or where they placed on the exit exam they are the same guys with the same half-empty tool boxes. Murderers who claim they have the tools to life while killing you with time.

Love-Hate Limb Relationship

Does anyone else hate their legs sometime? Or maybe their arms?
Daily, sometimes even hourly I fall in love with my hands-if they let me go on a writing spree, letting me write out my mind.  Yet as fast as that feeling appeared it can disappear and hate can rise as I won't be able to finish what I was writing due to my arm losing sensation, or rising pain I can't block out or control. It feels like your body turns on you without letting you know. There is no memo from my brain saying, I've had enough and need a break from doing my job. BTW brain-that would be super appreciated. Just give me like a 30-minute heads up so I can cancel the rest of my day and not get to the tennis club and then have to cancel practice. Then sometimes I wake up and shake my arms and legs and smile "It feels like a good day-lets hope it lasts." It is always this play on optimism and realism where you want to hope for the best and achieve as much as possible from the never ending to do list, but also don't want to push past that imaginary line that will flip into paralyzing pain. Which leads to a lack of trust in your body and limbs. Many people ask why do I use my wheelchair when I have the ability to walk, which is true. Although I am not always in control of that and how my body works and responds.It is a complicated relationship full of give and take, love and hate relationship with my limbs.

Taxi Driver Rants: Take care of yourself!

Taxi drivers in Israel have a funny way of reading your mind,and telling you what you need to hear-even if you don't want to hear it. This time it was one of my taxi drivers who I've known for a long time after driving me back from one of my friends wedding in Kfar Chabad a few years back. He picks me up periodically,as taxi drivers are totally the luck of the draw. I was having a hard time getting out of my chair and he was like " You need to take care of yourself,and care about yourself." I rolled my eyes hearing the repetitive mantra yet again. He noticed and replied "Your body may seem like it doesn't like you, but you have to love your body for it to like you." Boom,mike drop. I love how some taxi drivers know exactly what you need to hear when you really don't want to hear it.

Hitlers hellacious mission-my response

I was in Berlin last week on vacation. I took the time to go quite a few museums, two I want to speak about this time were the Jewish Museum and the Topography of Terror. These museums were both about the Holocaust and the horrors that occurred. They both came at it with a lot of information but shared in different manners.
 The Jewish Museum was created in a fashion that the architecture breeds into you as you walk up and down the hills and dimly lit halls, the pain, and confusion that the Jews went through. As the name suggests this only shows the stories of Jewish people during the holocaust, sharing mementos and photos in shadowed holes in the wall. The stories and the mementos were left alone for you to feel the stories of each individual person's life.
The Topography of Terror was completely different. Firstly when you come in, there is a stuffy feeling of information, it is shared in a maze like turns of posters from the ceilings with lots of pictures and information. It is shared from a straight German perspective and not from any religious or singular groups perspective. It doesn't spare you or your feelings, giving very straightforward details about the horrors that went down. They have an incredible 3-D diorama (if they still call them that) of all the buildings in Berlin and how the SS took them over. You do a lot of reading, and learning as much as I thought I had already known about the Holocaust growing up in a religious Jewish system. I learned about other marginalized groups that were also terrorized, it gave me a lot to think about and left me with lots of conflicting thoughts and feelings.
 This is one of my main feelings and responses to the hell that hitler ran.
Eradicating senses of self, was your main idea. Making people easier to kill, when you've broken their souls. Shave their heads, take their clothes jewelry and food. Make them work hard enough to forget where they came from and where they are trying to go. The ones that had a stronger soul-kill first to shatter the others. Silence their heart with black gasses and boots. You destroyed their souls.
So hitler, I'll strengthen my soul, and sense of self. I'll grow my hair long and make myself feel powerful and beautiful as a disabled Jewish woman. My people survived.

Bouncing from Binging to Balance

The illusion of control,or the lack of control starts a tornado of complicated thoughts racing through at lightning speed. Your mind turns on you feeds you lies  "you will never be beautiful, you're distorted anyway", "you think you control your body-your body controls you". Hands move at a frantic pace filling the black hole trying to silence the voices. Justification is the next phase when you reach the end of the black hole and your head smashes against the black stone, thoughts reverberate bouncing, distorting in mid air. Trying to rearrange smokescreens into the logic that makes sense in the darkness, yet as you start to rise the web of lies comes to be seen for what it is. Pulling at shreds trying to reach the illusion of light up above. Then the climb to reach a balanced state comes. Trying to reign your thoughts in to control them on a shorter ropes. Taunt lines sweat drips down making the marble slippery and hard to grasp onto. Bouncing back-is never really a bounce rather a slow murderous climb through your mind and soul back to balance