Hands carrying lead ropes of barbed wire

The painful twisted full-time relationship with horses I have had my whole life makes my issues with my hands incredibly painful even though iIometimes push it to the back of my mind. Horses had been in my life since before i could walk or talk,now somehow were back at a crossroads where my hands no longer are a surefire controllable part of my life. Fighting my hands and body is how Ive done things for so long it feels like the normal thing to do.Yet wasting so much energy fighting myself is too tiring from now on I am trying to love the craziness that is me so sometimes that is painful when I want to plan a trip for the family or when I look at pictures of horses on my walls.I guess understanding is the first part of love right????

Hat on, Self Confidence came to visit

So Purim, it's the Jewish equivalent of Halloween. Well, sort of it really has nothing to do with death and a lot more to do with once again the jews being saved by the bell and the way we celebrate is with partying of course but dressing up as well. So for years, I haven't gotten dressed up. I used to claim that my school didn't let which was true in middle school and high school according we weren't allowed to get dressed up for modesty reasons the schools used to claim. I guess it was an easy out for me as I never felt I had the confidence or reason to look different and take on a character I wished to portray. This Purim I was down by family friends and when the woman of the house asked me if I wanted to wear a funny hat I actually went along with it and wore a bee hat. So yea it wasn't a full get up but after probably at least 8 years of not dressing up, it was a big step for me. It's crazy how the little things impact you and how you feel if you pay enough attention I had a good rest of the day even though I have never liked this holiday due to the excess drinking and excuses people come up with based on religion to do what they want. It didn't last forever as in the morning when we went out to hear the megilla reading the second time, I wasn't able to garner the same confidence to go outside to a strip mall wearing the hat. So mixed results to the experiement on self confidence but I will take the 45 minutes on one evening and ride that wave until the next time.

Disabling Beauty Views

I'm tired of using my body as the excuse to why I look and feel bad about myself. Fine my disability and the issues that arise with it, are out of my control but how I react to it is my choice. Instead of letting my body become my hell hole and trying to reduce any amount of femininity that I had to feel as least like a woman as possible because I had already let my disability overwhelm my body and entire being. Instead of feeling like a woman in all other aspects of my life and body that I can control and feeling as beautiful and sexy and portray to others a confident beautiful woman I let what I have been feeling for years overwhelm any other aspect of self-care and self-love, not completely but partially to the point of self-neglect. The way to change this for myself is to start with small things but also to internalize that I am beautiful and can show it more by losing a lot of weight and dressing and paying more attention to my body care and looks and that looking feminine and beautiful is a good thing that will make me happier with myself when I start caring for myself with self-love instead of self-loathing.Here is to small changes inside and out to a more beautiful self and world.