Showing posts with label 2020. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2020. Show all posts
Monday, April 13, 2020
Internal Expresssion Restrictions
Sometimes I dont notice how restricting I am of self-love, and giving myself the space to be. Especially in the creative areas of my being. Over my time in the eating disorder clinic, I learned many of my restriction habits and signals and worked on the regulation of those habits with food, but not with creativity and other ways I restrict myself for an illusion of control. This came to a head as these past few days have been some of the hardest in the past month of the pandemic and pretty much complete isolation. I was in such a funk that even after my two planned workouts, a shower and a good meal, I was still just so stuck, mentally with both feeling so much and feeling nothing at all (that specific mental space I will elaborate on another time). I knew this had to do with feeling like I had no way to export and process the mess that was just a pressure cooker inside my mind but didn't really know how to relieve the pressure in a healthy way. Luckily in all my mindless scrolling of Instagram, I happened upon a good friend (basically a sister) post discussing the creative block along with a coloring book mid color. This reminded me I actually had a coloring book and inspired me to take it off the shelf. Of course, I struggled with the classic thought I have "Don't waste the coloring book you dont have so many, and this one is special you bought it your last week in Florida." My thoughts seem to not be my friend most of the time, but I managed to walk myself out of that ditch with "Yea, its special so use it in a special time, and also you can buy more coloring books, they aren't exclusive to America, and also there is Amazon you know." Finally, I opened the book up to where I had last stashed the pencils and realized it was a very unfinished picture from the one night I stayed up as late as they let me in the psychiatric ward coloring. This brought a different wave of emotions-the first one was shame. "Am I in such a bad place like when I was in the psychiatric ward that I need to color?" My immediate response to that thought was "seriously? just because you colored when you were in a bad state in the hospital, it doesn't mean you are in the same place. You can be in different places and still color to relax and calm your mind." So after running a mental marathon with myself over a coloring book and some colored pencils, I opened it up to a new design and started. I put on some background music- classical cello has been my go-to for a while (it makes me miss my days of cello, but also puts me in a calm space, another post another time). I colored for a while and could just feel my mind release-I mean I haven't been able to write anything for weeks and have been actually trying, it's not perfect and my mind sent other thoughts, but I was able to just fall into the soothing rhythmic colors and lines and tried to relax into the experience. Funnily enough, I chose a picture of a bird to color in and the picture I started to color in the hospital was of fish, so probably another post to analyze another time. For now, I am just going to try and hold space for myself and not overrun my mind with thoughts and when I get overrun, then let them out.
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
2020's Forgotten Dreams
I wrote the draft for this post right when I got back from a trip to my grandparents in December. For a variety of reasons, I haven't posted anything for a bit before that. Classwork got intense at university and till last week I was super busy with finals. I've been in a fog since then and I knew a decent amount of it was locking up my emotions and thoughts trying to just focus completely on schoolwork. So now to the actual topic at hand, Toyota ads in the Zurich airport and the wave of emotions I completely forgot I had regarding 2020.
"2020" For years I had an imaginary finish line that I wanted to cross at "Tokyo 2020". It was a somewhat elusive sports goal of making the Paralympics after my paralympic dream for 2016 fell apart for a variety of realities that combined to remove the goal from reach. When I returned to Israel in 2016 my focus changed from being consumed by sports dreams and goals trying to be achieved through workouts and pretty much eating, sleeping, and breathing sport, to focusing on university and Israel and the process that entailed to make it there. I worked on myself, mentally and physically in different ways trying to balance the idea of working out without focusing on a paralympic dream and goal. Throughout these past three years, I went through a variety of hospitalizations, between a voluntary in-patient program at an eating disorder clinic for a couple of months, where I gained new tools and friends. I started wheelchair tennis only to end up with a few different short stints in the neurological unit of the hospital where I got much less help and made no friends. The lack of explanation and ability to solve the pain and loss of sensation, led to pressure being put on me to do fewer sports and working out less in hopes that the pain and loss of sensation would disappear. In that my paralympic hopes and dreams seemingly disappeared from my mind completely and the focus turned to university and a job. Of course, my body and mind sometimes what I feel conspire to make me take a step back and between trying to work 20 hour weeks, falling and spraining my wrist the first week of the semester and getting incredibly sick, by December of 2018 I was at one of my darkest places I had been in a very long time and ended up suicidal in a psych ward needing to hospitalize myself for proper mental health care. Forget dreams of Paralympic medals I didn't want to wake up the next morning. A large focus in the care was focusing firstly on just the day to day and then just basic monthly goals, no need to focus on big dreams and goals as they can overwhelm and send you back down the dark spiral. This all made sense and for a while, I was ok with just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and slowly but surely get back to university and while getting into the basic grind and doing it well is great, at the end of the day I'm still a hopeless dreamer regardless if I always share the dreams and goals. There is a constant inner fight in my brain of wanting to just be an elite athlete and push my body to the extreme and blank out the racing thoughts and the mandatory other parts of life that I need to achieve. So I had thought that I completely turned off the inner clock and timer to "Tokyo 2020" I'm not training in any sport that has any relevance for me at the Paralympics at this time, so why this wave of emotions in response to seeing the symbols and words? It brought back to the forefront of my mind this clock ticking down to the Paralympics that I thought I turned off completely but it turns out I seem to just have hit snooze enough times. It's not like I forgot I still love to compete and push myself to my physical limits but considering I had literally no training in any sport at any level even close to being relevant to the Paralympics, I almost didn't believe it was something that I still considered a dream. So after figuring out that it is still a dream, I am working on balancing my mental health needs, university and work needs and physical needs, while believing that dreams are important but creating the small achievable goals for now and as my path through life evolves hopefully I will be able to bring the paralympic dream back into my life. For now, I'm focusing on growth and evolution, and maybe I'll be able to cheer on others at Tokyo and maybe not, but now at least I know where I'm at and have actually processed what I wished and in the back of my mind hoped for some kind of paralympic dream. Heres to me owning the year 2020 regardless of if my dreams were gold medals and now they are good grades.
"2020" For years I had an imaginary finish line that I wanted to cross at "Tokyo 2020". It was a somewhat elusive sports goal of making the Paralympics after my paralympic dream for 2016 fell apart for a variety of realities that combined to remove the goal from reach. When I returned to Israel in 2016 my focus changed from being consumed by sports dreams and goals trying to be achieved through workouts and pretty much eating, sleeping, and breathing sport, to focusing on university and Israel and the process that entailed to make it there. I worked on myself, mentally and physically in different ways trying to balance the idea of working out without focusing on a paralympic dream and goal. Throughout these past three years, I went through a variety of hospitalizations, between a voluntary in-patient program at an eating disorder clinic for a couple of months, where I gained new tools and friends. I started wheelchair tennis only to end up with a few different short stints in the neurological unit of the hospital where I got much less help and made no friends. The lack of explanation and ability to solve the pain and loss of sensation, led to pressure being put on me to do fewer sports and working out less in hopes that the pain and loss of sensation would disappear. In that my paralympic hopes and dreams seemingly disappeared from my mind completely and the focus turned to university and a job. Of course, my body and mind sometimes what I feel conspire to make me take a step back and between trying to work 20 hour weeks, falling and spraining my wrist the first week of the semester and getting incredibly sick, by December of 2018 I was at one of my darkest places I had been in a very long time and ended up suicidal in a psych ward needing to hospitalize myself for proper mental health care. Forget dreams of Paralympic medals I didn't want to wake up the next morning. A large focus in the care was focusing firstly on just the day to day and then just basic monthly goals, no need to focus on big dreams and goals as they can overwhelm and send you back down the dark spiral. This all made sense and for a while, I was ok with just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and slowly but surely get back to university and while getting into the basic grind and doing it well is great, at the end of the day I'm still a hopeless dreamer regardless if I always share the dreams and goals. There is a constant inner fight in my brain of wanting to just be an elite athlete and push my body to the extreme and blank out the racing thoughts and the mandatory other parts of life that I need to achieve. So I had thought that I completely turned off the inner clock and timer to "Tokyo 2020" I'm not training in any sport that has any relevance for me at the Paralympics at this time, so why this wave of emotions in response to seeing the symbols and words? It brought back to the forefront of my mind this clock ticking down to the Paralympics that I thought I turned off completely but it turns out I seem to just have hit snooze enough times. It's not like I forgot I still love to compete and push myself to my physical limits but considering I had literally no training in any sport at any level even close to being relevant to the Paralympics, I almost didn't believe it was something that I still considered a dream. So after figuring out that it is still a dream, I am working on balancing my mental health needs, university and work needs and physical needs, while believing that dreams are important but creating the small achievable goals for now and as my path through life evolves hopefully I will be able to bring the paralympic dream back into my life. For now, I'm focusing on growth and evolution, and maybe I'll be able to cheer on others at Tokyo and maybe not, but now at least I know where I'm at and have actually processed what I wished and in the back of my mind hoped for some kind of paralympic dream. Heres to me owning the year 2020 regardless of if my dreams were gold medals and now they are good grades.
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