Taxi Driver Rants: Take care of yourself!

Taxi drivers in Israel have a funny way of reading your mind,and telling you what you need to hear-even if you don't want to hear it. This time it was one of my taxi drivers who I've known for a long time after driving me back from one of my friends wedding in Kfar Chabad a few years back. He picks me up periodically,as taxi drivers are totally the luck of the draw. I was having a hard time getting out of my chair and he was like " You need to take care of yourself,and care about yourself." I rolled my eyes hearing the repetitive mantra yet again. He noticed and replied "Your body may seem like it doesn't like you, but you have to love your body for it to like you." Boom,mike drop. I love how some taxi drivers know exactly what you need to hear when you really don't want to hear it.

Hitlers hellacious mission-my response

I was in Berlin last week on vacation. I took the time to go quite a few museums, two I want to speak about this time were the Jewish Museum and the Topography of Terror. These museums were both about the Holocaust and the horrors that occurred. They both came at it with a lot of information but shared in different manners.
 The Jewish Museum was created in a fashion that the architecture breeds into you as you walk up and down the hills and dimly lit halls, the pain, and confusion that the Jews went through. As the name suggests this only shows the stories of Jewish people during the holocaust, sharing mementos and photos in shadowed holes in the wall. The stories and the mementos were left alone for you to feel the stories of each individual person's life.
The Topography of Terror was completely different. Firstly when you come in, there is a stuffy feeling of information, it is shared in a maze like turns of posters from the ceilings with lots of pictures and information. It is shared from a straight German perspective and not from any religious or singular groups perspective. It doesn't spare you or your feelings, giving very straightforward details about the horrors that went down. They have an incredible 3-D diorama (if they still call them that) of all the buildings in Berlin and how the SS took them over. You do a lot of reading, and learning as much as I thought I had already known about the Holocaust growing up in a religious Jewish system. I learned about other marginalized groups that were also terrorized, it gave me a lot to think about and left me with lots of conflicting thoughts and feelings.
 This is one of my main feelings and responses to the hell that hitler ran.
Eradicating senses of self, was your main idea. Making people easier to kill, when you've broken their souls. Shave their heads, take their clothes jewelry and food. Make them work hard enough to forget where they came from and where they are trying to go. The ones that had a stronger soul-kill first to shatter the others. Silence their heart with black gasses and boots. You destroyed their souls.
So hitler, I'll strengthen my soul, and sense of self. I'll grow my hair long and make myself feel powerful and beautiful as a disabled Jewish woman. My people survived.

Bouncing from Binging to Balance

The illusion of control,or the lack of control starts a tornado of complicated thoughts racing through at lightning speed. Your mind turns on you feeds you lies  "you will never be beautiful, you're distorted anyway", "you think you control your body-your body controls you". Hands move at a frantic pace filling the black hole trying to silence the voices. Justification is the next phase when you reach the end of the black hole and your head smashes against the black stone, thoughts reverberate bouncing, distorting in mid air. Trying to rearrange smokescreens into the logic that makes sense in the darkness, yet as you start to rise the web of lies comes to be seen for what it is. Pulling at shreds trying to reach the illusion of light up above. Then the climb to reach a balanced state comes. Trying to reign your thoughts in to control them on a shorter ropes. Taunt lines sweat drips down making the marble slippery and hard to grasp onto. Bouncing back-is never really a bounce rather a slow murderous climb through your mind and soul back to balance

My Mission Statement

Mission statement

FIGHT

• For myself
  
• Family
  
• For those who can’t
  

DREAM

• Ambitious
  
• Impactful
  
• Openminded
  
• Determined
  

ACHIEVE

• Goals
  
• Change
  
• Others
  
• World
  

The stratosphere of emotions

One day you have a really good day, getting stuff done feeling good about what you have accomplished sometimes i forget the demon that's lurking in the shadows of darkness that never really goes away he gives you a break sometimes, even making sure you feel so good you forget--you forget it comes at a price of the next day, when fog blankets your mind and nothing exists not the bridge you were standing on before not the calendar full of responsibilities, although nothing seems to exist except the magnetic pull to your bed and darkness. People around you get confused--but you were fine yesterday??Yea but being fine one day far from promises the next. Sometimes you almost wish every day was the same so you wouldn't have to play detective with yourself day in and out to see where in stratosphere your mind villains are at.

Listening to Silent Soul Tugs

Do you ever get that pull of something that won't leave your mind? Something that has no inherent connection to you, yet you are inherently upset and won't let others sway you on what you think. I call these Soul Tugs. I used to just call myself crazy and get upset that I cared so much and would try to walk as far away as possible, yet that would lead to me feeling worse about myself and feeling lost.Lately I've been trying to work on myself and listening to the compass of feelings- my soul. While to the outside world these changes cannot be measured in changes of dress of what they precieve as change leading to a feeling of being on my own.
It is actually quite calming becuase the intensity of feelings of an event that seemingly has nothing to do with me-like an ex NFL player commiting suicide in prison,yet the intensity in which I felt I had to defend his honor and respect as a person,even though he made a bad choice and a very wrong one in killing another man,for people to be rejoicing in the fact that he got to the feeling of no return has to be a very hard and complex decision.Feeling as though I wish I could know what was going through his mind at the time and leading up to that decision,led me to the realization that I would like to work in prisons and hear these peoples stories,as every action that people take-unless you are a certified insane serial killer it has a reason,whether that reason justifies the action is not always there,there is always much more to the picture than what meets the eye.
So while there will be many more tugs,sharing them with myself and others has helped me right my compass.

Birthday Celebrations

Celebrating birthdays has always been something I have shied away from. A large part of it has been due to the fact I never accepted myself and have constantly been fighting my disability. Fighting my disability has led to a direct hate of my body and therefore my entire being.
This year I've been trying to approach my birthday differently. I still have a hard time discussing plans and the idea of a cake. At first I shied away completely when my mom tried to talk about anything related to birthday. Baby steps are an amazing feeling though. Firstly my mom wanted to buy me a gift-which for my parents is usually jewelry, so I was able to discuss with my mom over the phone and pictures which store and pair of earrings I decided to choose. Step number two was when I went downstairs to light candles for shabbos (which in itself is a step,but that is for another time) there had been an awesome balloon set up attached to my wheelchair,by my one and only sister. I actually managed to let myself smile and laugh,even singing a bar or two of Taylor Swifts "22".My sister came down and sang a bit with me as well. The third baby step was to take some photos of the balloons and me having some fun in my chair with the balloons. So here is to more laughter,love and fun for my 23rd year