30 things I learned in my first 30 days in rehab

1. The walls that surround your castle of a soul; fall down fast, but even faster with the right psychologist.
2. Naming voices in your head is healthy, and while it strengthens them momentarily it gives you the start of tearing them down.
3. Being around lots of people doesn't invalidate your feelings of being alone, and sometimes even helps rid the feeling.
4. Relationships with food, yourself, and others get more complicated before it gets easier.
5. The fear of bordream really comes from the fear of being alone with yourself and your boxes in the attic of your mind.
6. Group therapy isn't as scary as it seems and while judging is normal;you can also feel validated and less alone.
7. Mandated eating with people is terrifiying;but everyone has personal issues and sitting around the same table makes it easier rather than harder.
8. The wall of "not caring&feeling" leads to so much more pain;just feel in each moment.
9. Just because you thought you got over hating yourself and disability doesn't invalidate the feelings from returning.
10. Slowing down and actually chewing food;to alieviate feelings of hunger is incredibly hard for me.
11. I have more OCD tendincies then I'd like to admit;and Ed enhances them with my eating habits.
12. I feel worse around fat people as I feel like I fit in,which then leads me to remove myself from interactions with them.
13. Ed controls a lot of my all or nothing personality part of me. 
14. I use sleep as an escape tool rather then sitting and proccessing my feelings.
15. Sport is a double edged sword for me and I have not yet learned to enjoy the training without feeling like I have to restrict to look better and be stronger.
16. The more you open up and process;leaves you with more space to do other things.
17. Reading is hard when it can't quiet your mind.
18. Music is salve for my soul; and when I forget that, I pay.
19. You are allowed to love and feel the loss from things that you used to have.
20. The waves of feelings come and go;embrace the highs and lows,but don't try to ride the dead wave.
21. Normal and crazy are defined by you,when you define yourself as crazy it enhances the panic.
22. The clearer your sense of self the less you need to be alone to feel like yourself.
23. Not everyones journey intersects and it doesn't invalidate any of the journeys.
24. Just because a tool has worked in the past does not mean it has to work now.
25. Feel phsyical pain;even if you can't understand why and how to fix it;its less angering.
26. You are enough every single minute of every single day.
27. Mess ups are part of the process;embrace them and learn,and grow from them.
28. Regulation takes a while for your body;numbers are not everything.
29. There are more fears in your mind then at the meeting.
30. On your own time;change will come don't rush it,but don't be afraid to try.

Chew,Chew Swallow

Who knew that chew chew swallow would be so complicated?? Who know that Eddy controlled that as well. The never ending vacum that Eddy created skips over the chewing proccess.Leaves you feeling like you havent eaten anything convincing your mind and body that you need more food. I didn't know how hard it was to slow down until I tried; and realized it was Eddy not wanting me to sit and chew. He just wants me to inhale;to constantly feel empty so he can keep running the show his way. I haven't figured out what show Eddy is trying to run, I mean I know its the classic binge,don't eat,shame,repeat cycle; but where does Eddy start and finish his work? And how many minions does he have working for him? Eddy has many shapes and colors;most of which I havent figured out yet. Well for now I guess I'll just keep trying to practice chewing and slowing down while I do so.

Socks,Shoes & Me

Shoes, I didn't understand how complicated of a relationship I had with them, and how much they mean to me. Acknowledging feelings is a process I have been working on with my psychologist in rehab, and one of the first "stones" in front of the path to my palace of a brain is shoes and what they mean to me. Shoes were something that from a very young age I was never able to wear the same style as my peers. I always have worn braces on my feet which led me to wear clunky shoes that never felt feminine or actually looked good. I always felt that my legs were just robotic additions and weren't part of me; rather they made me feel less like a person and a specifically a woman. My feet also sometimes are super uncomfortable in shoes when I have muscle spasms and swelling, so the relationship is complex. I do enjoy sneakers but when it comes from choice rather than necessity. I would love the option to wear strappy heels, sandals, and boots.
Socks,socks are my jam. I love ankle socks and I love wearing mismatched socks. It was one of the first steps I felt I took towards independence and showing my true colors back in the 7th grade. I love the randomness and the fun of choosing different socks every morning (not to mention the lack of having to pair socks which is something out of nightmares :) Socks also stick around without being too tight and let my feet have their weird twitches, without bothering me too much. I also love feeling the warmth of the ground specifically wooden planks. Its like hearing the world with my feet. Socks give me the chance to forget most of the things that make me hate my feet, for that I'm thankful. Well that's the weird relationship I have with shoes

Emotions in Rehab

Emotions are like the weather; and nature. They change at the brush of pain, the rise of a wave of depression. Plenty a time they combine into a tornado of confusion resulting in a choking reaction that you can't shake. Boxes are dug out of bunkers covered in poisonous snakes and scorpions. Shadows of demons that cant be shook whisper to each other, creating hollow shrieks of horror. Some boxes are worn through their contents showing through, others untouched a still perfection of dread frozen in time. Indents in the dusty floor show the history of martyrs trying to clean up what they believed could have been disinfected from the horrors of life. The problem with trying to clean up the attic is that you get stuck and get suffocated from the new boxes that constantly arrive without end, never mind the emotional weather sun, rain, or storm. Muffled sounds can be heard creating a symphony of history to bury any ideas of a future without them.

Monday Day #1 of ED Rehab

       Leaving the house was stressful; it didn't help that I could barely fall asleep before my anxiety woke me up again. I ran into my mother as I was leaving the house,I didn't understand all of my own reasons for not being able to tell her at that moment where I was going but, a big one ended up being the need for me to make this choice completely on my own. Even though ED spent the entire night and morning yelling at me that I am fine and don't need rehab. Another weird yet helpful for rehab quirk is that new beginnings and adventures excite me more than they terrify me in the beginning. So jumping out is not when I freak out, rather in freefall halfway down-but more on that another time.
      After arriving at the hospital and getting to the entrance to the Eating Disorder ward, that's when the first wave of panic hit, and the overwhelming desire to run washed over me. Deep breathing and staring way to hard at the non-descript hospital art helped me put on my "everything's fine" mask.
Panic doesn't set in when you open the door, as the adrenalin wave crashes over you with the new sights and smells. Then the non-stop meetings with every possible doctor, nurse, psychologist, and dietician keeps the wave going till you hit your bed at night.
    What did all these people ask?? Well, some profession-specific questions yet mostly it was what happened in your life to make you want to take this step and come here? Now two years ago I would have just blacked out and had nothing to answer but thanks to a special voice on the phone who taught me to tell my story so many times that it no longer hurt to say it. (Shoutout to Dougie) While I couldn't tell everything to everyone I was able to get out most of my history without cracking the fake facade.
      New room and roommate weren't the hard part of acclimating, rather meeting all the other wonderful strong people there was a lot. As someone with pretty bad social anxiety, sitting in a large dining room with lots of tables and people eating, and people watching you eat as well; that's what terrified me. Eating with people and people watching you; puts the demons in the spotlight and while they love center stage ,I am not good at being a wallflower.
Till next time Sam

Prelude to Day #1

Prelude to Day #1
Yea-I've got classical music on my mind.One of the best parts of my childhood so far. So what is it a prelude for? Well-Rehab. You might be confused as the first thought that probably comes to mind are alcohol and drugs. Well for me food is a twisted drug, which morphs into different problems at different points of time. In short, I have an eating disorder.  I know I'm obese and that's partly because I love food and flavors, but I have serious compulsions regarding eating; where, when, and how many voices do I have to fend off saying not to eat.
The problem is the voices that fight, oscillate between not letting me even drink water and triggering a blackout binge. The blackout binge is pretty much cookie monster running on a treadmill of flavors from salty, sweet, crunchy, sour; without much thought being allowed to stop the run. It's a weird type of mindless-mostly like my mind closes the curtains on my conscious stage and lets the cast of demons and angels play.
I realized a few months ago that I could no longer keep letting the voices run around unattended and needed to find better tools in which to train myself. I started the process by finding the main doctor for ED and met with him privately.Then under his guidance and discussions, we decided the best course of treatment was to start with some inpatient time. Now mind you I'm in the ward as I type this so the prelude is a little bit late but it took me a minute to be able to share.
I haven't told my parents in part as I feel responsible for helping keep the family equilibrium, and in some sense to hurt them for being part of the problem.I know no one can fix me that's on me but maybe by sharing with others they can get help and I can grow as well. So this is my letter to the world and my parents. Dreaming larger in smaller doses will hopefully get me far.
                                    Dreamer-from the ED ward at Tel Hashomer

1st Pat on My Back

I'm finally posting as a pat on my back tonight. After actually using the tools that I have chosen to help myself I see long-term changes that make me happy. Firstly, I think, I'm a week through prep exams for the psychometri.  Which means every day sitting for 4 hours doing practice exams then, the harder part of checking how well I did and what my score is. Breaking down into parts what I'm proud of myself for tonight.

1. I'm proud of training my mind to be able to focus just on the task at hand. Each individual problem on paper, and in life and not let myself get overwhelmed and frozen.

2, I'm proud of realizing my fear of failure and letting myself down. As well as the pressure that I put on myself to succeed to get into college. Then, removing that pressure (mostly), from checking the exams, and leaving numbers as numbers, not my entire future.

3, Not using my disability as an excuse to why I don't feel well on a variety of days. Leaving the reasons and just working with what I've got that day.

4. Being able to read an email from a family member which I love but usually feel super pressurized by. I realized and accepted that what was being said was from love and was able to respond without getting upset and worked up.

Now 4 hours after a tough exam, I actually feel calm. Even though my travel plans got complicated last moment, and I'm super tired, having a hard time sleeping. Just keep going, get help and find tools that work for you and keep going. Realize and take the time to pat yourself on the back. It makes the rest of your day better and builds up a healthy relationship with yourself.
Till next time
Sam