Running out of Meds

There is constant pressure when you take medications to constantly refill the weekly container. Being my ADD self I usually have boxes of my meds in both places I live ,so I never actually think or believe I'm going to run out of meds. Then the impossible happens ,there is a combination of reactions. First off panic from not having the meds to stay on schedule. Then the other side of my brain kicks in and says don't worry your fine, you don't need meds to function. The realist in me claws its way to the microphone yelling at me to message the doctor. Calm and logic don't stick around long. Anxiety drags all the worries back front and center, throwing complicated thoughts all over the clean space. that its way to late you haven't taken your meds for two days it's over you messed up and will never be able to fix it. The side effects will mess you up more than its helping you. Then anxiety drops the big one how could you mess up?? Is your life not important to you?? This always hits a super deep place of trying to reach a strong level of self-care and self-love. This rocks the foundation of caring and loving myself. Once realized then I try to remove some of the anxiety and shame for caring about myself . Even if it's not perfect all the time. Taking care of yourself doesn't fit this elusive version of perfection your mind perceives. So thanks reality for making me evaluate a much deeper aspect of myself. Even when it just looks like a simple empty pill container.

The Aversion to Help Yourself

Aversion to using tools I get to help myself.

I think I tell myself to save it for when I really need it. As if like I cant justify using the tools I buy for myself to help make life easier for myself. In the exact moment, I choose to use something to help my life. Planning to use the tool, but after a while I don't. With a huge stockpile of tools in my house that could make my life easier I search for the reasons why I didn't. It feels very silly and semi-delusional as to why I won't then use the tools to help me in the areas of life that I got them for. Honestly, it completely baffles me to see how much self-sabotage I bring into my own life. I'm trying to stop and evaluate, why my brain completely erases the notion of these tools. I wonder what the aversion to feeling good inside and out is really coming from. It portrays itself in many different ways at many different points in time. It shows itself in smaller ideas, like never letting myself relax ,and reminding myself of what I'm not rather than what I have become. I believe the aversion to using the tools that I have to help myself is coming from something deeper. The aversion to self-acceptance, love, and care.

Morning Mind Melodies

Who wakes up in the morning speaking to themselves?
As you wake up moving like a marionette doll not feeling your body as your own. Moving is like walking through land minds not wanting to set your joints off. Usually, this leads to hating my joints and limbs and wishing them gone. Which then leads to a disturbing amount of self-hate, and wishing my limbs would up and walk off and replace themselves.
After starting to understand how much this sentiment was hurting my mind and body. I started trying to compartmentalize my feelings of hate and instead work on accepting my body with its many limitations, though different most hours of every day. While the automatic is still self-depreciation and hate now at least I am able to recognize the tendencies and try to stop myself and replace the harming words with accepting words instead. While these are super small steps each one is oiling a nail on the marionette helping the machine work better leading to self-love.