Aversion to using tools I get to help myself.
I think I tell myself to save it for when I really need it. As if like I cant justify using the tools I buy for myself to help make life easier for myself. In the exact moment, I choose to use something to help my life. Planning to use the tool, but after a while I don't. With a huge stockpile of tools in my house that could make my life easier I search for the reasons why I didn't. It feels very silly and semi-delusional as to why I won't then use the tools to help me in the areas of life that I got them for. Honestly, it completely baffles me to see how much self-sabotage I bring into my own life. I'm trying to stop and evaluate, why my brain completely erases the notion of these tools. I wonder what the aversion to feeling good inside and out is really coming from. It portrays itself in many different ways at many different points in time. It shows itself in smaller ideas, like never letting myself relax ,and reminding myself of what I'm not rather than what I have become. I believe the aversion to using the tools that I have to help myself is coming from something deeper. The aversion to self-acceptance, love, and care.
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