Rowing Back to Myself

I wasn't planning on getting on the rowing machine today. But, after basketball practice, I felt like I still had some cardio energy to use up so,  I went to the gym thinking I was going to handcycle as my legs are shot from all the physical therapy this morning. Yet I saw the rowing machine first, and couldn't stop the pull within one minute I was back in position. I wouldn't classify my relationship with the rowing machine as a love-hate one, just somewhat complicated.  I think my relationship with rowing in Israel and the old memories it brings up is one I have yet to fully process. But, I felt the urge to row instead of using a handcycle. I decided to sit and try and go with the flow of my body.

The numbers flash on the screen with my first pull, but for the first time, they dont start millions of calculations in my brain. Numbers mean a lot in rowing, especially competitively. They are one of the main measuring tools used to check how you are raising your skill and power, as the race is who can race the fastest to the finish line. The type of number differs between stroke rate, Five-hundred-meter average, power levels, and more but, it's all numbers on a screen. Numbers used to mean everything to me. I would constantly compare my times with others.  In the early days, it was against another teammate whom I was competing for a spot on the international team. During that time, it was also with the numbers on the scale, but that's for another post. Then in Florida, regardless of how much my coaches tried to help me make it just about my personal growth, I could rattle off last year's world championship times, and the standing world records for my divisions at any moment's notice. Towards the end of my stay in Florida, Coach Katie's words about rowing for myself, making personal goals and achieving them, while enjoying the process started to permeate my brain.  But, they stayed in my Florida rowing box and never made it to the Israel rowing box in my mind.

     Today, the numbers still sat on the screen in front of my face.  But, for once, if not the first time since Florida, they were that just numbers on the screen. I didn't try to speed up to get back to a pace I did when training four years ago, and didn't get upset when the numbers went up and down. The numbers were there, yet I listened to my body and enjoyed every pull and alternating types of pulls and just giving myself space to enjoy the rowing movement. Not letting myself fall into the need to hit a certain distance, or taking dreams so far in one practice, like trying to row a 5k and in my mind going all the way to international competitions. It was so different as many a time I've tried to come back to row on the machine that I miss so much. I miss rowing a lot, the power, and the release of the monotonous movement, the water, the breathing technique it requires me to use. Rowing takes me to a different place in my head. When I've tried to come back in the past, I would go to the box in my mind of competition with my old self, and where I used to be when I rowed all the time, this time I was able to stay in the moment and just row.

The first time I rowed it was on a rowing machine, my mom and I came to meet the rowing coach, he pulled the rowing machine out and set it up so I could see the water.  He showed me how the rowing motion, and then I was just supposed to try it for a few minutes. Two minutes in and I'm hooked and say I don't ever want to get off. Twenty-five minutes later, and the coach is like you should probably stop, you will be sore tomorrow even if it doesn't hurt now. There is something about the monotonous movement that calms me, my deep inner self. Maybe it's like swinging on a swing, the back and forth is so balancing outside and inside. Many moments and interactions happened after that moment, both good, bad, and ugly.  But, the rowing machine and I always had this first version of inner calm, that I found when rowing before politics, nasty comments, and after internalizing it all, had poisoned rowing in Israel for me.

Five years later, and maybe I'm healing. Because when I get on the machine and row, it's not about proving to someone that I am better than someone else, that my body doesn't contradict my results. It is about me loving the monotony of the row and the body that is giving me internal calm. And with that, loving my body enough to listen to it. Even though  I wanted to keep rowing till tomorrow, I listened to my body when it's tired, honoring it, and loving it. Throughout the row and all the passing time, I have removed many of the old hurtful voices that used to show up in my head, when I would try to come back and row.

This moment tonight is a lightening moment. One that I feel like I'm finally taking some trash out of my brain. Especially since my next thought wasn't, I need to compete in 5k indoor races around the world.  Rather it was just this rowing movement feels amazing, feels like a mental home, so I'm going to do it healthily for me and no one else.  Row,release,breathe,repeat.

Musty boxes of my Mind

     I lock myself in the living room of my mind in the middle of the musty and rusted untouched boxes. The untouched boxes I don't want to touch but want to take them out to the curb. I then somehow still manage to ask myself why I am not able to dream about how I want the living room, forget the whole house of my mind to look like. Pen, paper, and words are tools the cleaner in my mind uses, and it creates a love-hate relationship, and when I run for too long from the pen with excuses it cracks the window to find the air. The air of letting go that comes from putting words on paper, I crave it but don't let myself indulge in opening up the boxes and letting go. Many of these boxes have labels. I have applied some of the labels and others have labeled some as well. These boxes are filled with kicking demons and muffled choking memories. I spend more time judging myself on having these boxes filling up the house, than giving myself the grace and space to unpack, process, and throw out the boxes. Holding myself back from opening up the room and letting light and growth into the room and turn my house into a home full of growth, dreaming, and achieving. I need to love myself and the dream house and world I want to create enough to sit through the painful process of emptying out the musty rotting boxes of pain. I notice this more when I turn away from letting myself write many times its because I'm struggling with processing old baggage that sometimes shows up in the same shabby box or gets a bit renovated for me, and instead of sitting an opening the box I try to just numb my mind and do mindless tasks. I'm trying to change this more so I can get to the place of visualizing, thinking and creating the home and world in my mind and in the world around me that I want.

Why do I hate the question why?

     This post came up listening to a podcast about personal branding, and growth of a business and one of the most important aspects of building your personal brand and business is "why". Why are you creating this? They described the "why" as such a normal question that didn't usually make people feel an urge to run away from the question "why". The first feeling I had was "well, I'm sure I can figure my business out without it, I know what I want." Sitting with the word "why" was so uncomfortable. Searching for my "why" made my skin crawl and made me want to use old unhealthy coping mechanisms to get rid of the feelings. So the blog post on "why" sat on a scrap of paper for a while until I felt like I was choking with emotion every time I saw the paper and finally had the strength to dive down this uncomfortable place and process while I write.
      I thought back to my time in the religious formal education system especially through middle school and high school, and the lack of ability to ask why. The automatic response was "that is the way it is, don't question the truth" the anger that was the automatic emotional response shared with at some point got engrained, and I tried to train myself to stop asking. This goes even further back to childhood especially with religious rituals the question of why wasn't appreciated as the answers weren't necessarily known or were to be shared, rather shut down as this is what we do. I had been trained for so long to never ask the question "why",I tried very hard to follow the training although, I never did a great job at keeping my mouth shut. The reactions varied depending on what I was questioning. As soon as I write this, of course, the thought that comes to mind, is well don't blame other people for your problems or your actions. And while this is true, actions, reactions, and specific instances do create imprints on me. It's then my job to process the emotions and actions, and this, of course, takes time in order to have the emotional capacity to go back and process. But yes each person's actions and reactions have an impact on someone else and that's normal to accept within boundaries.
      One story that stands in my mind specifically happened when I was in 12th grade. It was the beginning of the year and the class that was being given was called "Bayit Yehudi"-Jewish home. I'm not sure what we were meant to be learning but the first lesson the teacher started out by saying everyone needs to figure out what subject they want to learn to teach, in the teachers' seminary that was run and owned by the same people who owned my high school  (drama for another time). My immediate reaction was to blurt out that I have no interest in being a teacher and there are so many different jobs out there, and not everyone is meant to be a teacher, even the rabbi they claimed was their inspiration for the school specifically wrote about individual talents and using them in many of his writings. The continuation of the outburst included pointing out many of my friends in the class and how they had so many talents and career options more suited to them, at that point the teacher had really had enough, she had already told me to go to the principal's office, now told me I was not welcome back in this class for the rest of the year. Now the first emotion I thought I felt at that moment was elation, "great I get a free period every week for the entire year, chilling on the grass outside for an extra hour a week sounds great." That emotion subsided quickly as I slammed the front door on the school building and went to sit down on the grass outside, surpassing the useless visit with the principal who would have nothing to say that I felt was worth listening to. Sitting down with my back against a tree the next feeling that washed over was one of abandonment and feeling completely alone, none of my friends had backed me up in class, they all stayed silent as I ranted. Now logically this makes sense they were and most still are part of that community and talking back would be committing community suicide. Just thinking back on this memory brings back up so many feelings of anger and being suppressed into the cookie-cutter image of how I was supposed to behave and what the next steps in my life were supposed to be. It also brought up the feeling of how they used the religious icon of a very important rabbi, especially in their circle when they wanted to force us to come to school specifically the day before a big exam to pray even when legally the students are supposed to have the day off to study at home. Yet they refused to acknowledge what that same rabbi actually said about unique individual talents, the hypocrisy made me crazy, even though it was far from the first time this happened, this one hit especially deep. Evidence to that fact as these same emotions are actually bubbling up in me right now as I write this seven years later.
    There were a few people in my life who let me question why and I am forever indebted to those two for giving me the space to start re-learning to use the question of why. The crazy thing is I actually love questioning as to why things are, for a while I wanted to go into research about different things all of course based on things that I questioned, and then internally had already learned how to shut down my voice of why, almost automatically never questioning the reaction and action. So here's to learning to listen to myself say why, and follow the rabbit hole down a healthy path of self exploration.

Impromptu Photoshoots

Up until this past year I pretty much hated being in pictures and refused to take pictures of myself. I have always wanted to wait until I liked (forget loved) what I saw in the mirror, I want to be skinnier and have a more defined muscular physique. What I refused to acknowledge was the reason I hated taking and being in photographs was the lack of self-acceptance and self-love rather than how I fit in the frame. Do I want to be healthier and fitter? Absolutely! But I'd also like to have memories along that journey and enjoy the fun things I do during this time still creating memories. Another classic anxious thought that runs rampant in my mind especially during my travels is that everyone-or at least someone is watching me take these photos, and seeing me be out of my comfort zone. I have this somewhat loud irrational fear that everyone around me will see me do something "silly/weird". Instead of just going with the flow with what feels good and fun to me I have this internal voice that tries to shut down any comfort and enjoyment of myself at the moment. In turn with the figuring out more of the weird twisted thoughts in my mind I try to challenge these thoughts, I had a chance to do this on a family trip to France to visit family this past winter we were walking by a Christmas tree and water fountain and my sister asked me to take some photos of her, I did and enjoyed being the photographer but then decided to push myself and get her to take some photos of me. Posing felt awkward of course as the internalized voice saying why are you moving your body, why are you smiling, who are you trying to copy or look like. I tried to shut that voice off and just smile and enjoy the moment with my sister trying to laugh the internal awkward feeling away. So do I love my body and the pictures without noticing the flaws? No, but I try to enjoy the photos and my body for what they are and where I am in life. Do I feel this weird internalized feeling of being super touristy and taking posey photos in Europe? Totally! But I love the memories of pushing myself way out of my comfort zone and having a great experience with my sister, and moving my body a bit and taking shots and freezing memories of a trip in time. Looking back at the photos, I like how far I've come in accepting myself and where I'm at enjoying and loving the moment. Hopefully, my evolution of self-love will continue and I will have photos to remember it by.

19 Lessons I learned from 2019

These are lessons I learned along the year of 2019, which was a whirlwind of ups and downs and full of lessons.

1. Lean in and feel the feelings, its the only way to process and grow.
2. The darkness (both in the feeling and process) always leads to stronger and longer-lasting light.
3. When your mind tells you you've reached your limits, pause, listen, figure out if its fear of failure, and when it is; pause breathe and push forward.
4. Self-acceptance doesn't equal self-love, rather opens the door for that process to start.
5. Acceptance isn't complacency rather an important tool for change.
6. Family exists, their acceptance and love doesn't determine your worth.
7. Asking for help doesn't make people think less of you, rather it gives new options to connect.
8. Sharing your pain and fears in a healthy way doesn't hurt healthy people, rather it builds bonds.
9. When you build inner boundaries, the lack of them surrounding you doesn't impact you as much.
10. The voice in your head telling you not to try and that everyone is watching is lying.
11. Change and Growth are not linear, you will get to what feels like the same point, but with new tools and from a different view.
12. Changes are not always constant continuous lines, sometimes they are small dots, keep going dots make pictures too.
13. Cry. Let yourself be vulnerable and cry. Instead of leading yourself into an illusion of processing feelings by trying to block them out.
14. The lies society spins about psychiatric medications and hospitals are just that-lies. The help is worth breaking through those societal barriers
15. Respect the need for pauses both from mind or body, but let it just be a pause and not a full stop.
16. You are what you say you are, so stop saying you aren't anyone worth saving and sharing with the world what you are.
17. Keep trying to love yourself, in different ways at different times, never give up on yourself.
18. Asking for help to save your own life is hard but makes living so much easier.
19. It's really hard to save yourself, but not as hard as giving up on yourself.

On to 2020, I am adopting a new idea from someone I follow who gives each year a theme and a word so, wait for the next post to see what they are.

Musings from the Bench

Sitting me on the bench for the first basketball game of the season makes sense. I mean it's my first game in my return- if you can even call it a return, then maybe to basketball as a game but practically, its a start, for sure competing in a league. I'm not a good player, I have miles to go before, I believe I will really have any helpful impact on my team during a game. This means logically I know that it makes no sense to put me on the court if there are better players, that give our team a better chance to win. Internally I am still super competitive and "game-day" brings up the nerves and stress of competition. Which for me led to the two hours before we were meeting up for warm-up, I was dysfunctionally stressed and nervous. What came up in my mind was the feeling that I had no idea in my mind how to process these pre-game emotions and nerves. The only other competitive history I had was rowing competitions, and my mental preparation for these competitions consisted of intense (depending on who you asked too intense) internal focus, closing into myself. I spent time breaking down specific moments of the race and what my plan was for each time, and going over the repetitive movement in my mind, these tools helped calm my nerves, and as I liked to say "focused me into a coiled spring" ready to release all the power during the race. This structure to me felt non-transferable as basketball is a team sport and I'm on the court moving constantly in different ways, to me this felt like there was no repetition which I find hard. I reached out to a friend who competes in both these sports at the highest level and her response made a lot of sense "your skills, your shots and movements are more repetitive than it seems on the surface, you focus on your shot, and repetition of making the different shots, and your movements on court." Sitting on the bench after the warm-up I fell into the focus, of just the movements and shots of my teammates on the court, which made me super quiet and focused on the shots and plays on the court, almost taking me back to pre-race levels of focus, which for me personally felt good, I felt a comfort in that level of focus, which controlled my nerves. A teammate though reminded me about the difference, of sitting on the bench to pre-race. Yes, you are sitting on the bench, but you are still part of the team, which means cheering for your teammates and pumping up the energy. Yes learn from what is going on, but part of that is also being involved with everyone else. While my first thought was that she doesn't get what I'm doing, the reality was I could still focus pretty well on the specific skills on the court that I was trying to focus on as well as cheer super loud and make myself part of the team. In reality, while I still really wanted to get out on the court, I mean c'mon there is nothing like the wheels hitting the court and the ball bounce, that is one of my happy places, and yea I wanted a workout as well, but I learned plenty from sitting on the bench. Team isn't yea, I'll play with the team, but wanting to focus on your own skills and goals. Self-learning doesn't mean shutting out the team, and sometimes shouting loudly teaches more on the silent inside than you think. Here's to learning and growing on and off the bench.

Donut Deliberations

Its December, and in Israel that means the month of donuts, yes they come out earlier but this is when you are bombarded with them in social media and pretty much everywhere else. I mean literally everywhere. For years I would tell myself I have to find the perfect donut to try because they are full of calories and not healthy and I can't just eat one it has the be "worth it". What does "worth it" mean? What checklist does this donut have to fill? For years I would read reviews and look at photos of donuts and pass the bakeries searching for the perfect donut, then go home and binge on something else unhealthy that I didn't want to eat but I didn't give in to eating the "nonperfect" donut. During my time at the eating disorder clinic, my dietician worked on this idea of finding the "perfect" food worth breaking this illusion of a diet, rather just restriction my mind convinced myself I was on. The idea of just eating one of what your body craved, and it didn't have to be "perfect", yes there are "healthier" (Ill explain the quotation marks another time) foods, but if by not eating one fresh donut, you went on to binge on four or five boxes of cookies that you didn't want that night, you're just hurting yourself both mentally and physically. We spoke about this in June of 2018, which sometimes feels like eons ago and sometimes feels like yesterday. I dont remember if I ate a donut last year, but today, when walking past the bakery, the donuts looked pretty good and I was craving a sweet treat, so instead of listening to my mind which said: "no dont buy one donut, you have to find the perfect one, just buy a box of cookies, there are so many more in the box." I shut my mind off for a second, bought an imperfect looking donut, without letting myself analyze if it's my "favorite flavor" and looks like the best donut on the tray. Getting back to my place I pushed past the thoughts of you can't eat it, its not your favorite flavor (mind you I haven't had donuts in so long, the idea of a perfect flavor, is based on what flavors I like in other things and totally being used by my eating disorder mind to stop me), I poured myself a nice cup of coffee and sat, shut off my racing thoughts and enjoyed the imperfect donut. Because it was perfect at this moment, and I wanted one so I had one. I will work out later, but not to "get rid" of the donut, rather because its a habit I'm trying to build. I ate a delicious imperfect donut and I enjoyed it. ED today I won.

Personal North Star

I don't like letting the idea of something help lead my life. Part of that is my personality and part of that is the fact that being disabled throughout my life people close to me and not have always tried to help. Sometimes the help was needed but many of the times it was "Help". I'll write about that another time, but basically, it created an almost constant feeling me that I was given help, and expected to receive help. This along with being raised with a complicated description of what god is and how you are supposed to relate to it, made me hate the idea that someone else was in control of my life and I had to communicate with "God" for him to give me a good life. I hated the fact that the answer to anything going bad or good that it was god, with no responsibility for any of the people involved(this is not everyone's relationship with god, this is the feeling I got from my education both formal and informal at home.)
This complicated relationship led me to a long while of pulling away from any version of god and religion, I wanted to be in charge of my own life, including the choices and outcomes. I didn't want any connection with something or idea of some kind of god that removed my individual thoughts, actions, goals, and ideas. This lead to pulling back from anything of any sort of religion and focusing on myself, regardless of my enjoyment of reading some religious texts, I cut it all out.

These thoughts came to the surface when I started listening to the book Super Attractor by Gabrielle Bernstein, a main focus in her book is connecting to a higher power, labeled in any way that works for you to connect. To be able to let go in some areas of life while gaining a lot more in many ways. When I first heard this I balked, I said it sounds like everything else I've heard a hundred times and I want nothing of this god that takes all the responsibility out of my own actions in my life. The more I listened and relistened I understood more of the point that it is creating a personal channel with a higher power in the world to create balance and growth inside you, to give you direction in which to use your skills and abilities in the best way to change the world. Creating the balance of what you want to achieve and what the universe has for you as well.  After I realized this wouldn't be the worst thing in my life, maybe it could create a different balance and a release of some of the non-helpful responsibilities.  I have piled on many different "types" of responsibilities in order to keep control of my life around me, most of them don't work because at the end of the day, they make me stressed and anxious without any ability to change most of it.

The first thought I had when I came to this conclusion was "You have heard this 100x times, in many different forms of religious/ Chassidic words, written, spoken, discussed. Why does it take listening to a non-Jewish book to somehow connect and hit me in a place that created a desire to create a personal name and connection to something larger than me." It took a conversation with someone close to me to come to the conclusion of "whatever way of connection and an ability to process an idea is great, just because you have heard it in many different ways, you connected with this one, so run with it." Among Gabrielle's many different words she threw out for connection with a higher power was "North Star".This term spoke to me on a few levels, firstly I love nature and love the idea of finding the north star in the forest or by the ocean. Secondly, part of my very detailed and personal tattoo (I'll go into detail in another post on the meaning of the tattoo) is the form of a compass and the four directions. I love the idea of being able to look at my arm and be reminded amongst other things to connect and listen to the information coming through the personal connection to the universe and find the calm and direction from my channel with the universe. I am still in charge of my actions and goals, yet I am able to focus and listen to the inner connection between me and my north star.