The Uncontrollable Shakes

The shakes, some people might associate them with drug withdrawal, for me its a side effect of my disability. The side might be a good term for it although it alternates, the shakes are very indecisive. They come and go as they please; they mostly just alternate jumping from leg to the other leg. They have convinced my sick voice that it's healthy, and a good way to get through eating regular meals. I have come to love and loathe the shakes, they have gotten me out of really boring college classes, but have also made me leave training early; making me feel like I failed or rather my body failed me.
Now some might think that uncontrollable shakes leading to body failure is extreme, I mean my heart and lungs work perfectly fine. What people seem to forget is that brains are a major organ, and yes I'm not having seizures or in a coma, there is a rather large and life bothering issue.
One of the biggest issue with the shakes is that they are mostly invisible in the beginning, so when I wake up and put my feet on the ground,y'know whatcha do in the morning, my breath catches as my feet hit the ground and I start to try and stand up, the uncertainty, or if my body will stay upright or, if I'm just going to collapse on the floor. Yes, I'm sure I'm far from the only person who deals with uncertainty, but how much does the average person deal with before they have brushed their teeth?? It is a huge part of the hardship of accepting your own body when you're not sure when you can trust it. It's not as if I wake up to memos from my body letting me know which parts are going to work when. (By the way, if there are any scientists coming up with something like this, I volunteer as tribute.) Till then I'll just have to shake with the shakes and ride the earthquakes of my body.

Oceans of Routine

Routine, the monotony of it. The repetitiveness of the oar dipping in the water. The bounce of the ball, the screech of rubber tires. The shake of my legs, some people think its annoying, I used to as well; now its what calms me down in most situations. Routine outside helps keep me afloat in the whirlpool that is my mind. Routine is my anchor in chaos.
When the waters agitate and the chains get ripped from the core, leaving me floating and thrashing towards the surface of the unknown; I don't know how to reroute and follow my dreams to another path. My dreams lose hold of their core, leading to distorted visions of the future. It is not always a huge internal storm that knots the chains in unbreakable bonds of confusion it can be one small thought that wiggles through the boards of certainty stirring up sleeping monsters.
The question is if you can find new chains to bond with the old and find a new galaxy to dream your way through the ocean of uncertainty.

Giving up on Yourself

It's an interesting idea; giving up on yourself. Everyone usually assumes that means you want to kill yourself, to me it can mean that but for me, it is more so punishing my entire body for actions of parts of my body. When I refuse to eat or binge from physical pain, I'm not removing the physical pain just making my mind travel, to where it's out of control in a place I feel more comfortable with. Most of the time the constant physical pain leads to the simple yet harmful place of giving up on moving my body. The dream of wanting to compete and push myself and my body to the absolute limit; dismantles itself daily the more times I wake up in constant pain that no one and no tests can explain why.
It's hard to dream when slowly every single rope connected to an anchor of my dreams that keep me flying in the right direction gets sautered; leaving nothing but shreds in its wake. The ocean stirs into whirlpools, sending any ideas spraying in the wind leaving you drowning in the eye of silence.

The Cycle of Acceptance

 While feelings come and go, I thought that once I had "accepted" myself, my disability (the only things I thought I had left to accept) I would be done needing to accept things in life and I could go on conquering the world. Turns out life does NOT work that way. Acceptance and change are like magnets that have the same charge, the closer you try to push them together the farther apart they reach. This phenomenon leads to feeling like you never move on in life as you hit upon the same issues. 

You have hit the same feelings in a different setting, like hitting the same point on a spiral just one level up, with new tools and self-understanding can lead you to create a new level of acceptance. That's not a simple action to take, and it will feel like you are getting nowhere, but you have to be willing to be in that uncomfortable state of taking the ground out from underneath yourself in order to dig deeper and build new or better foundations on which to continue your life. Digging up old skeletons on unbalanced feet is never easy but, with the new tools you have acquired in between the previous dealing with the issues gives you a better chance at creating longer lasting foundations this time around.

30 things I learned in my first 30 days in rehab

1. The walls that surround your castle of a soul; fall down fast, but even faster with the right psychologist.
2. Naming voices in your head is healthy, and while it strengthens them momentarily it gives you the start of tearing them down.
3. Being around lots of people doesn't invalidate your feelings of being alone, and sometimes even helps rid the feeling.
4. Relationships with food, yourself, and others get more complicated before it gets easier.
5. The fear of bordream really comes from the fear of being alone with yourself and your boxes in the attic of your mind.
6. Group therapy isn't as scary as it seems and while judging is normal;you can also feel validated and less alone.
7. Mandated eating with people is terrifiying;but everyone has personal issues and sitting around the same table makes it easier rather than harder.
8. The wall of "not caring&feeling" leads to so much more pain;just feel in each moment.
9. Just because you thought you got over hating yourself and disability doesn't invalidate the feelings from returning.
10. Slowing down and actually chewing food;to alieviate feelings of hunger is incredibly hard for me.
11. I have more OCD tendincies then I'd like to admit;and Ed enhances them with my eating habits.
12. I feel worse around fat people as I feel like I fit in,which then leads me to remove myself from interactions with them.
13. Ed controls a lot of my all or nothing personality part of me. 
14. I use sleep as an escape tool rather then sitting and proccessing my feelings.
15. Sport is a double edged sword for me and I have not yet learned to enjoy the training without feeling like I have to restrict to look better and be stronger.
16. The more you open up and process;leaves you with more space to do other things.
17. Reading is hard when it can't quiet your mind.
18. Music is salve for my soul; and when I forget that, I pay.
19. You are allowed to love and feel the loss from things that you used to have.
20. The waves of feelings come and go;embrace the highs and lows,but don't try to ride the dead wave.
21. Normal and crazy are defined by you,when you define yourself as crazy it enhances the panic.
22. The clearer your sense of self the less you need to be alone to feel like yourself.
23. Not everyones journey intersects and it doesn't invalidate any of the journeys.
24. Just because a tool has worked in the past does not mean it has to work now.
25. Feel phsyical pain;even if you can't understand why and how to fix it;its less angering.
26. You are enough every single minute of every single day.
27. Mess ups are part of the process;embrace them and learn,and grow from them.
28. Regulation takes a while for your body;numbers are not everything.
29. There are more fears in your mind then at the meeting.
30. On your own time;change will come don't rush it,but don't be afraid to try.

Chew,Chew Swallow

Who knew that chew chew swallow would be so complicated?? Who know that Eddy controlled that as well. The never ending vacum that Eddy created skips over the chewing proccess.Leaves you feeling like you havent eaten anything convincing your mind and body that you need more food. I didn't know how hard it was to slow down until I tried; and realized it was Eddy not wanting me to sit and chew. He just wants me to inhale;to constantly feel empty so he can keep running the show his way. I haven't figured out what show Eddy is trying to run, I mean I know its the classic binge,don't eat,shame,repeat cycle; but where does Eddy start and finish his work? And how many minions does he have working for him? Eddy has many shapes and colors;most of which I havent figured out yet. Well for now I guess I'll just keep trying to practice chewing and slowing down while I do so.

Socks,Shoes & Me

Shoes, I didn't understand how complicated of a relationship I had with them, and how much they mean to me. Acknowledging feelings is a process I have been working on with my psychologist in rehab, and one of the first "stones" in front of the path to my palace of a brain is shoes and what they mean to me. Shoes were something that from a very young age I was never able to wear the same style as my peers. I always have worn braces on my feet which led me to wear clunky shoes that never felt feminine or actually looked good. I always felt that my legs were just robotic additions and weren't part of me; rather they made me feel less like a person and a specifically a woman. My feet also sometimes are super uncomfortable in shoes when I have muscle spasms and swelling, so the relationship is complex. I do enjoy sneakers but when it comes from choice rather than necessity. I would love the option to wear strappy heels, sandals, and boots.
Socks,socks are my jam. I love ankle socks and I love wearing mismatched socks. It was one of the first steps I felt I took towards independence and showing my true colors back in the 7th grade. I love the randomness and the fun of choosing different socks every morning (not to mention the lack of having to pair socks which is something out of nightmares :) Socks also stick around without being too tight and let my feet have their weird twitches, without bothering me too much. I also love feeling the warmth of the ground specifically wooden planks. Its like hearing the world with my feet. Socks give me the chance to forget most of the things that make me hate my feet, for that I'm thankful. Well that's the weird relationship I have with shoes