1st Pat on My Back

I'm finally posting as a pat on my back tonight. After actually using the tools that I have chosen to help myself I see long-term changes that make me happy. Firstly, I think, I'm a week through prep exams for the psychometri.  Which means every day sitting for 4 hours doing practice exams then, the harder part of checking how well I did and what my score is. Breaking down into parts what I'm proud of myself for tonight.

1. I'm proud of training my mind to be able to focus just on the task at hand. Each individual problem on paper, and in life and not let myself get overwhelmed and frozen.

2, I'm proud of realizing my fear of failure and letting myself down. As well as the pressure that I put on myself to succeed to get into college. Then, removing that pressure (mostly), from checking the exams, and leaving numbers as numbers, not my entire future.

3, Not using my disability as an excuse to why I don't feel well on a variety of days. Leaving the reasons and just working with what I've got that day.

4. Being able to read an email from a family member which I love but usually feel super pressurized by. I realized and accepted that what was being said was from love and was able to respond without getting upset and worked up.

Now 4 hours after a tough exam, I actually feel calm. Even though my travel plans got complicated last moment, and I'm super tired, having a hard time sleeping. Just keep going, get help and find tools that work for you and keep going. Realize and take the time to pat yourself on the back. It makes the rest of your day better and builds up a healthy relationship with yourself.
Till next time
Sam

The Many Masks of Addictions

Addictions have many different masks and interchange frequently.  Sometimes so much so that you're not sure which mask on which demon your fighting to reign supreme over. When you eliminate a demon it never feels complete. For a while, you constantly feel on edge waiting for it to rear its ugly head. While time doesn't heal everything on its own, it can be helpful. The longer the demon is in a coma the less of a chance of it waking up. I have dealt and always will deal with many masks of addictions. Maybe writing them out will help me label their voices and learn to subdue them better. It is also very hard to talk about I've been trying to write this post for a while now but here it comes.

Addiction to pain- This has been my longest reigning addiction in my life, for so long it just seemed like the way life is and how it's handled. This mask has many different colors, shapes, and sizes.  Constantly differing to make you forget what your doing to your body is unloving and unhealthy. It doesn't always feel like an addiction. The label usually swims around without ever attaching itself to the mask. Yet the long-lasting talons it grips your mind with, and the promise of a calm red sea are constantly around.

A food/eating addiction- "The Art of the Binge" I'm pretty sure my mind could have written a series and I would have been a billionaire. The twists it contorts my mind into could earn it a gold medal. The thoughts have masks most of the time, sometimes they act like children and just yell "I want it all and want it all NOW". Most of the time different masks come and attack the core of the issues you're dealing with at that moment. Convincing yourself that what your doing is healthy for you. When its too impatient it erases all reason from your mind and keeps sending the response that you must eat it all now.

These are two of the biggest addictions that I have been dealing with for the majority of my lifetime. They come in waves usually not at the same time, the crest of one wave creates a suction for the next one to arise. Different surfboards work at different times. But sometimes you need a lifeguard to help get you back up, don't be afraid to accept the help to rise higher. There will be more details when I can let myself be open with myself and others, but for now, this is the first step.

Asking for help

Asking for help.

It feels like giving away a part of my independence. Reaching out, and handing my ability to get along in life on my own. Staking claims to my independence change as my disability evolves. But movement and mobility have always and will always be the cornerstone of my identity. For the longest time, I have felt, and most of the time still feel that I uproot myself entirely when I ask or accept help.

An important aspect of me accepting help comes from accepting my own limitations. Only once I have accepted my cage as a template for my life, can I create beauty within, and out. Comprehending, accepting and implementing the idea is a lot easier said than done. Roots grow in all shapes in any direction around the enclosure. All you need to do is take the chance and let the water reach the receptors.

Accepting help doesn't mean you cant grow on your own, rather accept showers of help when they come. Resulting in growing a reserve for when you have to mature independently. Taking doesn't have to mean that you have nothing to give rather if you take, then you can give more to others. While it feels like a one-way road; it's more like a highway. Removing the roadblocks then lead to more travel in both directions.

Blank Minds

Blank minds are never blank. It is what I tell myself when I don't want to evaluate what I'm blanking out.

It isn't very hard to find something else to occupy your mind. Random games on iPhones, reading books or scrolling through random feeds. You'd think books would do the trick. Yet they lead your mind down rabbit holes that empty out in the same cavern filled with crazy imagines. Imagines that you refuse to admit or entertain for fear that they become larger than life. Images and ideas blanked out for fear of achievement. Rather than entertaining dreams, wipe the chalkboard clean with rags of unfinished ideas.

Running out of Meds

There is constant pressure when you take medications to constantly refill the weekly container. Being my ADD self I usually have boxes of my meds in both places I live ,so I never actually think or believe I'm going to run out of meds. Then the impossible happens ,there is a combination of reactions. First off panic from not having the meds to stay on schedule. Then the other side of my brain kicks in and says don't worry your fine, you don't need meds to function. The realist in me claws its way to the microphone yelling at me to message the doctor. Calm and logic don't stick around long. Anxiety drags all the worries back front and center, throwing complicated thoughts all over the clean space. that its way to late you haven't taken your meds for two days it's over you messed up and will never be able to fix it. The side effects will mess you up more than its helping you. Then anxiety drops the big one how could you mess up?? Is your life not important to you?? This always hits a super deep place of trying to reach a strong level of self-care and self-love. This rocks the foundation of caring and loving myself. Once realized then I try to remove some of the anxiety and shame for caring about myself . Even if it's not perfect all the time. Taking care of yourself doesn't fit this elusive version of perfection your mind perceives. So thanks reality for making me evaluate a much deeper aspect of myself. Even when it just looks like a simple empty pill container.

The Aversion to Help Yourself

Aversion to using tools I get to help myself.

I think I tell myself to save it for when I really need it. As if like I cant justify using the tools I buy for myself to help make life easier for myself. In the exact moment, I choose to use something to help my life. Planning to use the tool, but after a while I don't. With a huge stockpile of tools in my house that could make my life easier I search for the reasons why I didn't. It feels very silly and semi-delusional as to why I won't then use the tools to help me in the areas of life that I got them for. Honestly, it completely baffles me to see how much self-sabotage I bring into my own life. I'm trying to stop and evaluate, why my brain completely erases the notion of these tools. I wonder what the aversion to feeling good inside and out is really coming from. It portrays itself in many different ways at many different points in time. It shows itself in smaller ideas, like never letting myself relax ,and reminding myself of what I'm not rather than what I have become. I believe the aversion to using the tools that I have to help myself is coming from something deeper. The aversion to self-acceptance, love, and care.

Morning Mind Melodies

Who wakes up in the morning speaking to themselves?
As you wake up moving like a marionette doll not feeling your body as your own. Moving is like walking through land minds not wanting to set your joints off. Usually, this leads to hating my joints and limbs and wishing them gone. Which then leads to a disturbing amount of self-hate, and wishing my limbs would up and walk off and replace themselves.
After starting to understand how much this sentiment was hurting my mind and body. I started trying to compartmentalize my feelings of hate and instead work on accepting my body with its many limitations, though different most hours of every day. While the automatic is still self-depreciation and hate now at least I am able to recognize the tendencies and try to stop myself and replace the harming words with accepting words instead. While these are super small steps each one is oiling a nail on the marionette helping the machine work better leading to self-love.