Running out of Meds

There is constant pressure when you take medications to constantly refill the weekly container. Being my ADD self I usually have boxes of my meds in both places I live ,so I never actually think or believe I'm going to run out of meds. Then the impossible happens ,there is a combination of reactions. First off panic from not having the meds to stay on schedule. Then the other side of my brain kicks in and says don't worry your fine, you don't need meds to function. The realist in me claws its way to the microphone yelling at me to message the doctor. Calm and logic don't stick around long. Anxiety drags all the worries back front and center, throwing complicated thoughts all over the clean space. that its way to late you haven't taken your meds for two days it's over you messed up and will never be able to fix it. The side effects will mess you up more than its helping you. Then anxiety drops the big one how could you mess up?? Is your life not important to you?? This always hits a super deep place of trying to reach a strong level of self-care and self-love. This rocks the foundation of caring and loving myself. Once realized then I try to remove some of the anxiety and shame for caring about myself . Even if it's not perfect all the time. Taking care of yourself doesn't fit this elusive version of perfection your mind perceives. So thanks reality for making me evaluate a much deeper aspect of myself. Even when it just looks like a simple empty pill container.

The Aversion to Help Yourself

Aversion to using tools I get to help myself.

I think I tell myself to save it for when I really need it. As if like I cant justify using the tools I buy for myself to help make life easier for myself. In the exact moment, I choose to use something to help my life. Planning to use the tool, but after a while I don't. With a huge stockpile of tools in my house that could make my life easier I search for the reasons why I didn't. It feels very silly and semi-delusional as to why I won't then use the tools to help me in the areas of life that I got them for. Honestly, it completely baffles me to see how much self-sabotage I bring into my own life. I'm trying to stop and evaluate, why my brain completely erases the notion of these tools. I wonder what the aversion to feeling good inside and out is really coming from. It portrays itself in many different ways at many different points in time. It shows itself in smaller ideas, like never letting myself relax ,and reminding myself of what I'm not rather than what I have become. I believe the aversion to using the tools that I have to help myself is coming from something deeper. The aversion to self-acceptance, love, and care.

Morning Mind Melodies

Who wakes up in the morning speaking to themselves?
As you wake up moving like a marionette doll not feeling your body as your own. Moving is like walking through land minds not wanting to set your joints off. Usually, this leads to hating my joints and limbs and wishing them gone. Which then leads to a disturbing amount of self-hate, and wishing my limbs would up and walk off and replace themselves.
After starting to understand how much this sentiment was hurting my mind and body. I started trying to compartmentalize my feelings of hate and instead work on accepting my body with its many limitations, though different most hours of every day. While the automatic is still self-depreciation and hate now at least I am able to recognize the tendencies and try to stop myself and replace the harming words with accepting words instead. While these are super small steps each one is oiling a nail on the marionette helping the machine work better leading to self-love.

Mental Heath Conversation

Let's talk about it! I'm tired of the feelings of shame and silencing of mental health issues. Just the time it took me to let myself write this post battling through the feelings of shame that arose.

I take medication to help myself care for my mental and physical wellbeing. Which honestly has been one of the most helpful tools I added to my arsenal to deal with my physical and mental health. As my physical conditions change and are partly not under my control . It is very helpful to have a tool that helps give me more space in my depository of mental and physical health. That doesn't mean this journey was easy it just means it's been worth it.

Step 1 was talking to a psychiatrist. Now, this wasn't the first time I had spoken to a psychiatrist. I had been to one before but wasn't in a space of giving myself the care that I needed. I didn't fully believe that I could use the help. I had a deep sense of wanting to be independent and felt that getting any help was ruining my independence. It didn't help that societies voices always found a place in my mind claiming I was weak, that I needed help for my mind.

Step 2 was listening to the psychiatrist. Which actually took 3 meetings and about 6 months between each one. Why? Even with her handing me a tool that could make my life exponentially better; I still felt completely isolated . That I was the only one who couldn't handle life without extra help. After talking to various people and coming to the conclusion that the excuses of other humans how they would react to medications . Is NOT a good reason to not take care of myself in the best way possible. I then filled the prescription and actually started taking care of myself.

The biggest hurdle that I had to overcome to start my journey of caring for my mental health was shame. The shame that comes from silence. The pharmacist constantly runs out of my medication. Yet no one discusses the facts in a healthy light and gives it legitimate space in healthcare. The facts that medication is not a crutch rather a tool to help me function better in the world. So with this post, I hope to try and shatter a little of the bubble of silence surrounding mental health care. Let's get the conversation started.

Self Care Soliloquy

Self Care. It comes in many different shapes and sizes and morphs into different beings on a constant basis. One day it looks like grocery shopping and eating cereal for dinner. Another time it looks like eating 3 meals and showering. Sometimes it looks like reminding yourself not to destroy the skin around your nails from your anxiety. Sometimes it looks like zoning out to the rest of the world while calming your racing mind inside. Sometimes it looks like sleeping in. Sometimes it looks like not sleeping at all till you run the demons out of your mind. Self-care is a chameleon and while one thing might have worked for you one day, the next time it might not. One of the most important ideas I have learned so far on my self-care journey is to not get angry at myself when something I try once doesn't work a second time, just keep learning and taking care of yourself on this journey of life.

The Body Bubble

Today someone touched my leg while I was getting off the train. While he was a train worker and trying to help me get off the train, he didn't use his words for a simple action that really just could have been said. It bothered me way more than I expected it to, so I decided to delve down into those feelings to figure them out. As I sat in the feeling of being violated, I tried to understand why a simple touch was so off-putting. I realized that as a disabled woman, I for the longest time have been touched involuntarily by doctors, physical therapists and by misguided well-meaning people. Lots of people don't understand that my wheelchair is an extension of my body, so if you come up behind me and push my chair without asking, you are essentially pushing a person walking.Now while it might look like you are helping me, if you don't ask--you're not!! You are actually harming the relationship of trust between able-bodied people and disabled people. As someone who works incredibly hard to build a trusting relationship with my body about control, and learn to love it, touch is an incredibly powerful in trust in my relationships. Try to enhance the bubble rather than pop it.

Not being ok-- and being Ok with it

I don't have to feel great or even ok all the time. While society and those around me feel the need to always try and fix me when I'm not feeling ok, I've learned to listen to my body rhythms of highs and lows. While learning to surf the highs and just lie down on my board during the lows. It is OK to not feel OK all the time. I used to panic everytime I felt low not knowing exactly what I thought had triggered my low-not understanding that while sometimes a very specific event will trigger a deep low, all waves go up and then crash down, in order for the next wave to rise up. I have learned the panic of the low does nothing to help you paddle through it, just paddle and wait for the next wave to carry you high, and learn to enjoy the lows to get to the highs.

Heart and Mind Connection

When your mind understands the idea of what you should do, but your heart refuses to let the logic penetrate the walls of your personal safe space to force yourself to create change. Sometimes it's the opposite in your heart you know its the right thing to change and move on from yet your mind creates all these logical reasons to why not give up on burnt out matches although they have no life of their own left. It's a constant dilemma from different aspects, that are played out on a daily occurrence. Sometimes it's the feeling of my body that doesn't seem to contact other parts of the body, sometimes my central nervous system goes on strike, it's hard to not hate your body at that time.
There is also the constant back and forth over which connection do you rely on and when. I have found my heart usually has the deep gut feeling that overtakes logic at some points yet they are usually crucial and worth acting on. It doesn't make acting on them easy yet, in the long run, the more I muffle the voices between my heart and my mind the harder it is to make an impact in the world.

Mystery Murderers

They claim to be doctors. They claim to study enough to help you with your aches pains and mysterious problems. That's what doctors go to school for over 8 years. Yet all I've found is as soon as the symptoms don't add up to a simple equation and there are too many variables, then they just check out tell you to come back in 6 months and one test that they don't have to administer will be the key to unlock pandora's box. Belief is what they try to instill in you while telling you the same filler every doctor has told you for the past 9 months. You want to hope before the appointment that the doctor will have some kind of new idea, and give you a reason to believe they have the tools to help you but it's all just a waste of energy as they are as helpful as their predecessors. Doesn't matter the school they went to or where they placed on the exit exam they are the same guys with the same half-empty tool boxes. Murderers who claim they have the tools to life while killing you with time.

Love-Hate Limb Relationship

Does anyone else hate their legs sometime? Or maybe their arms?
Daily, sometimes even hourly I fall in love with my hands-if they let me go on a writing spree, letting me write out my mind.  Yet as fast as that feeling appeared it can disappear and hate can rise as I won't be able to finish what I was writing due to my arm losing sensation, or rising pain I can't block out or control. It feels like your body turns on you without letting you know. There is no memo from my brain saying, I've had enough and need a break from doing my job. BTW brain-that would be super appreciated. Just give me like a 30-minute heads up so I can cancel the rest of my day and not get to the tennis club and then have to cancel practice. Then sometimes I wake up and shake my arms and legs and smile "It feels like a good day-lets hope it lasts." It is always this play on optimism and realism where you want to hope for the best and achieve as much as possible from the never ending to do list, but also don't want to push past that imaginary line that will flip into paralyzing pain. Which leads to a lack of trust in your body and limbs. Many people ask why do I use my wheelchair when I have the ability to walk, which is true. Although I am not always in control of that and how my body works and responds.It is a complicated relationship full of give and take, love and hate relationship with my limbs.

Taxi Driver Rants: Take care of yourself!

Taxi drivers in Israel have a funny way of reading your mind,and telling you what you need to hear-even if you don't want to hear it. This time it was one of my taxi drivers who I've known for a long time after driving me back from one of my friends wedding in Kfar Chabad a few years back. He picks me up periodically,as taxi drivers are totally the luck of the draw. I was having a hard time getting out of my chair and he was like " You need to take care of yourself,and care about yourself." I rolled my eyes hearing the repetitive mantra yet again. He noticed and replied "Your body may seem like it doesn't like you, but you have to love your body for it to like you." Boom,mike drop. I love how some taxi drivers know exactly what you need to hear when you really don't want to hear it.

Hitlers hellacious mission-my response

I was in Berlin last week on vacation. I took the time to go quite a few museums, two I want to speak about this time were the Jewish Museum and the Topography of Terror. These museums were both about the Holocaust and the horrors that occurred. They both came at it with a lot of information but shared in different manners.
 The Jewish Museum was created in a fashion that the architecture breeds into you as you walk up and down the hills and dimly lit halls, the pain, and confusion that the Jews went through. As the name suggests this only shows the stories of Jewish people during the holocaust, sharing mementos and photos in shadowed holes in the wall. The stories and the mementos were left alone for you to feel the stories of each individual person's life.
The Topography of Terror was completely different. Firstly when you come in, there is a stuffy feeling of information, it is shared in a maze like turns of posters from the ceilings with lots of pictures and information. It is shared from a straight German perspective and not from any religious or singular groups perspective. It doesn't spare you or your feelings, giving very straightforward details about the horrors that went down. They have an incredible 3-D diorama (if they still call them that) of all the buildings in Berlin and how the SS took them over. You do a lot of reading, and learning as much as I thought I had already known about the Holocaust growing up in a religious Jewish system. I learned about other marginalized groups that were also terrorized, it gave me a lot to think about and left me with lots of conflicting thoughts and feelings.
 This is one of my main feelings and responses to the hell that hitler ran.
Eradicating senses of self, was your main idea. Making people easier to kill, when you've broken their souls. Shave their heads, take their clothes jewelry and food. Make them work hard enough to forget where they came from and where they are trying to go. The ones that had a stronger soul-kill first to shatter the others. Silence their heart with black gasses and boots. You destroyed their souls.
So hitler, I'll strengthen my soul, and sense of self. I'll grow my hair long and make myself feel powerful and beautiful as a disabled Jewish woman. My people survived.

Bouncing from Binging to Balance

The illusion of control,or the lack of control starts a tornado of complicated thoughts racing through at lightning speed. Your mind turns on you feeds you lies  "you will never be beautiful, you're distorted anyway", "you think you control your body-your body controls you". Hands move at a frantic pace filling the black hole trying to silence the voices. Justification is the next phase when you reach the end of the black hole and your head smashes against the black stone, thoughts reverberate bouncing, distorting in mid air. Trying to rearrange smokescreens into the logic that makes sense in the darkness, yet as you start to rise the web of lies comes to be seen for what it is. Pulling at shreds trying to reach the illusion of light up above. Then the climb to reach a balanced state comes. Trying to reign your thoughts in to control them on a shorter ropes. Taunt lines sweat drips down making the marble slippery and hard to grasp onto. Bouncing back-is never really a bounce rather a slow murderous climb through your mind and soul back to balance

My Mission Statement

Mission statement

FIGHT

• For myself
  
• Family
  
• For those who can’t
  

DREAM

• Ambitious
  
• Impactful
  
• Openminded
  
• Determined
  

ACHIEVE

• Goals
  
• Change
  
• Others
  
• World
  

The stratosphere of emotions

One day you have a really good day, getting stuff done feeling good about what you have accomplished sometimes i forget the demon that's lurking in the shadows of darkness that never really goes away he gives you a break sometimes, even making sure you feel so good you forget--you forget it comes at a price of the next day, when fog blankets your mind and nothing exists not the bridge you were standing on before not the calendar full of responsibilities, although nothing seems to exist except the magnetic pull to your bed and darkness. People around you get confused--but you were fine yesterday??Yea but being fine one day far from promises the next. Sometimes you almost wish every day was the same so you wouldn't have to play detective with yourself day in and out to see where in stratosphere your mind villains are at.

Listening to Silent Soul Tugs

Do you ever get that pull of something that won't leave your mind? Something that has no inherent connection to you, yet you are inherently upset and won't let others sway you on what you think. I call these Soul Tugs. I used to just call myself crazy and get upset that I cared so much and would try to walk as far away as possible, yet that would lead to me feeling worse about myself and feeling lost.Lately I've been trying to work on myself and listening to the compass of feelings- my soul. While to the outside world these changes cannot be measured in changes of dress of what they precieve as change leading to a feeling of being on my own.
It is actually quite calming becuase the intensity of feelings of an event that seemingly has nothing to do with me-like an ex NFL player commiting suicide in prison,yet the intensity in which I felt I had to defend his honor and respect as a person,even though he made a bad choice and a very wrong one in killing another man,for people to be rejoicing in the fact that he got to the feeling of no return has to be a very hard and complex decision.Feeling as though I wish I could know what was going through his mind at the time and leading up to that decision,led me to the realization that I would like to work in prisons and hear these peoples stories,as every action that people take-unless you are a certified insane serial killer it has a reason,whether that reason justifies the action is not always there,there is always much more to the picture than what meets the eye.
So while there will be many more tugs,sharing them with myself and others has helped me right my compass.

Birthday Celebrations

Celebrating birthdays has always been something I have shied away from. A large part of it has been due to the fact I never accepted myself and have constantly been fighting my disability. Fighting my disability has led to a direct hate of my body and therefore my entire being.
This year I've been trying to approach my birthday differently. I still have a hard time discussing plans and the idea of a cake. At first I shied away completely when my mom tried to talk about anything related to birthday. Baby steps are an amazing feeling though. Firstly my mom wanted to buy me a gift-which for my parents is usually jewelry, so I was able to discuss with my mom over the phone and pictures which store and pair of earrings I decided to choose. Step number two was when I went downstairs to light candles for shabbos (which in itself is a step,but that is for another time) there had been an awesome balloon set up attached to my wheelchair,by my one and only sister. I actually managed to let myself smile and laugh,even singing a bar or two of Taylor Swifts "22".My sister came down and sang a bit with me as well. The third baby step was to take some photos of the balloons and me having some fun in my chair with the balloons. So here is to more laughter,love and fun for my 23rd year

Hands carrying lead ropes of barbed wire

The painful twisted full-time relationship with horses I have had my whole life makes my issues with my hands incredibly painful even though iIometimes push it to the back of my mind. Horses had been in my life since before i could walk or talk,now somehow were back at a crossroads where my hands no longer are a surefire controllable part of my life. Fighting my hands and body is how Ive done things for so long it feels like the normal thing to do.Yet wasting so much energy fighting myself is too tiring from now on I am trying to love the craziness that is me so sometimes that is painful when I want to plan a trip for the family or when I look at pictures of horses on my walls.I guess understanding is the first part of love right????

Hat on, Self Confidence came to visit

So Purim, it's the Jewish equivalent of Halloween. Well, sort of it really has nothing to do with death and a lot more to do with once again the jews being saved by the bell and the way we celebrate is with partying of course but dressing up as well. So for years, I haven't gotten dressed up. I used to claim that my school didn't let which was true in middle school and high school according we weren't allowed to get dressed up for modesty reasons the schools used to claim. I guess it was an easy out for me as I never felt I had the confidence or reason to look different and take on a character I wished to portray. This Purim I was down by family friends and when the woman of the house asked me if I wanted to wear a funny hat I actually went along with it and wore a bee hat. So yea it wasn't a full get up but after probably at least 8 years of not dressing up, it was a big step for me. It's crazy how the little things impact you and how you feel if you pay enough attention I had a good rest of the day even though I have never liked this holiday due to the excess drinking and excuses people come up with based on religion to do what they want. It didn't last forever as in the morning when we went out to hear the megilla reading the second time, I wasn't able to garner the same confidence to go outside to a strip mall wearing the hat. So mixed results to the experiement on self confidence but I will take the 45 minutes on one evening and ride that wave until the next time.

Disabling Beauty Views

I'm tired of using my body as the excuse to why I look and feel bad about myself. Fine my disability and the issues that arise with it, are out of my control but how I react to it is my choice. Instead of letting my body become my hell hole and trying to reduce any amount of femininity that I had to feel as least like a woman as possible because I had already let my disability overwhelm my body and entire being. Instead of feeling like a woman in all other aspects of my life and body that I can control and feeling as beautiful and sexy and portray to others a confident beautiful woman I let what I have been feeling for years overwhelm any other aspect of self-care and self-love, not completely but partially to the point of self-neglect. The way to change this for myself is to start with small things but also to internalize that I am beautiful and can show it more by losing a lot of weight and dressing and paying more attention to my body care and looks and that looking feminine and beautiful is a good thing that will make me happier with myself when I start caring for myself with self-love instead of self-loathing.Here is to small changes inside and out to a more beautiful self and world.